Motherfucking Pretzel Nugs

True confession: even though I endeavor to eat health, am a vegetarian, believe in green movements and eco-friendly everything, etc. etc. I am a total disgusting junk food lover. Fake cheese, microwaved snacks, all of it.

We recently discovered these SuperPretzel Softstix cheese filled soft pretzel sticks. And by "we" I really mean me and my stepson Trevor. One day I picked some up at the store when Trev had asked for some soft pretzels. I got the soft pretzels and thought, "oooh, he might like these!" (because he loves junk food and doesn't care so much about nutrition or vegetables or anything health really). I brought them home and he was pumped to try them and after eating one he was like "OMG, you have to try these. They're SO GOOD." So I did, and he was right and now we're addicted to them.

One night he was in a goofy mood and had had a great day and he came out of his room and was talking about his great day and said "MAN, you know what will make this day even better? MOTHERFUCKING PRETZEL NUGS!" and now that's what we call them. Pretty much always. Unless we're trying to be polite. Then it's just pretzel nugs. On a side note Andrea says Trev's potty mouth has gotten SUBSTANTIALLY WORSE since she started dating me. Probably just a coincidence...

On my electronic grocery list MFing Pretzel Nugs x 6 million is a constant category. We actually get 6 each time we go to the store (about every two weeks). Four for Trev and 2 for me (cause I'm healthy like that). Andrea will snack on some of ours but isn't compelled to nug out every week like us. We joke that she was really just my surrogate, because Trev and I are more alike than she and him are. This is based on more than pretzel nug love, but that's for another time.

When we came home from a recent vacation, I was looking in the freezer when I noticed a box of pretzel nugs that had been opened.

Me: There's an open box of nugs...
Trev: What? Why is it open?  [because we both would not open them and change our minds, nor would I have allowed an opened box to be purchased, because duh, murderers]
Me: Maybe Lauren opened them when she was house-sitting...and ate just a few...?
Trev: What? Who does that? Who only eats a few? It's clearly one serving per box!
Me: Look! Only a few have been eaten! What the hell? What is wrong with your sister?
Trev: WAIT...what if...she...DIDN'T...LIKE...THEM?!?!?
Me: NO! Blasphemous! How could you not like MOTHERFUCKING PRETZEL NUGS?!?!
Trev: I don't even know...but good! That means I get a box and a half today!
Me: UGH! Jerk!

365: Poking the Belly

When my sisters and I were little we used to fight over who got to "poke the belly" of a new tub of butter. Poking the belly meant you'd stab or otherwise maim the middle of a tub of butter usually where there was a swirl. I have no idea where "poking the belly" came from but after googling a while it was apparent this was just one more weird thing my family made up. I'm guessing we made it up because the butter looks sort of like a belly button? One of the best things about being a grown up is that I have pretty much free range to always poke the belly now. Because Ange doesn't even know what the hell that means nor does she get excited about it. And no smelly little sisters trying to elbow their way in!

365: Captain Nerd

Ange has massive anxiety with flying. She's been working on stress relieving techniques in preparation for our flights to the Gambia next Monday. She thought some sensory deprivation would do her some good so we decided to invest in a sleep mask for her. It might not help her sleep but at least she'll be stylin and profilin on the way there.

365: Hazards of the Trade

I had about $350 left in my professional development accounts this year and it needed to be spent by the end of the semester or I'd lose it so I decided to invest in some "instructional aids."

Specifically: contraceptives.

Have you ever spent $350 on contraceptives at once? It buys a TON of stuff. I ordered everything through Amazon and since they operate an online space for many smaller sellers I ended up with 16 different dealers sending me things. Dental dams here, condoms and lube there, etc.

Well apparently two things happen when you have stuff shipped to the university. First they open all the packages that come in and check out your stuff. That's kind of bunk but I guess if someone sends me anthrax then it won't be me who gets it. Secondly, apparently you aren't supposed to get "personal stuff" shipped to you at work.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

When I went into the office this morning out Department Administrative Assistant was cracking up. Apparently someone in shipping had been frantically trying to get a hold of me all day Friday (I worked from home on Friday) because he was worried about the massive orders of contraceptives I was getting. He finally called Marie up and was trying to get the story out delicately to her without busting me or embarrassing himself or her. The best part is that Marie immediately knew what he was trying to get to but instead of bailing him out she let him spit out the whole story before she explained that I'm the sex professor and none of that stuff was "personal" but was for instructional purposes. She thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. I did too. I'm still waiting on more packages so let's see how embarrassed I can make them before it's all said and done!

All I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't have more money because sex toys were next on my list.

365: House of Weirdos

A small glimpse into the weirdo house that is ours. I got my faculty regalia today. Since I'll only wear it once a year and it cost an arm and a leg I thought I'd practice using it and get some more mileage. I bet our dogs never thought they'd get doctor water!

Ange has a presentation she is nervous about tomorrow. She decided to practice for me tonight. Naturally to practice you need to full get into the moment and sanding next to the kitchen table is almost like a classroom right?

Doesn't everybody do these things at home?

365: Test Drive

Ange is in the market for some new pillows. She's very serious about pillow selections. She's been eyeballing some ones at Costco but hasn't really felt like committing to testing them out. But finally she dove in. Good thing because they failed miserably. The search continues.

365: Looking Out Over the Pride Land

Duke likes to pretend he's the Lion King. He'll sit at the top step of the deck for hours on end just watching the world go by. And by world go by I mean nothing happening. Because duh, we live at the bottom of the canyon. Maybe he sees a bird fly by every once in a while. Maybe he's reflecting back over his life. Who knows? All I know is he loves it and he sure looks cute doing it!

365: All in a Day's Work

Today I walked into the HCSV office to find Ms. Tina here manhandling Bubba. Who's Bubba? He's our Department Mascot. He has a torso, head and arms--they just were waiting in the wagon until Bubba's body got put back on his stand. Bubba dresses up in all sorts or gear all year round. He's got a graduation outfit (that he's wearing now), a Santa Suit for Christmas, some casual Wildcat gear for non-holiday/celebration time. And of course he has his g-string. Since he gets moved around so much and is always changing clothes someone thought it would be a good idea if we didn't let him hang in the breeze all the time. And obvs a g-string is the best choice. The things you have to deal with if you are housed in our department! (And I'm talking about both Bubba and Tina)

365: Obsessed

Confession: I am obsessed with Deadliest Catch.

I have NO idea why.

The show and I have exactly nothing in common. I'm a vegetarian and I abhor the continued pillaging of our seas. They're crab fisherman. They're all blue collar roughneck dudes. And clearly that is about as far from my life as you can get. The show reinforces a ton of gender stereotypes that I generally (fiercely) resist. I can't even fathom worse working conditions. All of the guys on the show are hardcore thrill seekers/risk takers. I've been terrified of a dead bat for two days. I really have no idea what the hook is for me. But the heart wants what the heart wants.

365: Doodles

I don't think I've ever seen more desk doodles than I do at Chico State. Almost every single classroom I've been in on campus has more than one desk with varying levels of doodles on them. Here was an interesting one I saw today. Alien invasion? Weird.

365: At Home Date Night

We have a lot of work to do this weekend so we decided to have an at home date night. We worked until about 9 and then settled in for a movie. Now Ange isn't really a movie fan so when we watch a movie together it goes one of two ways:

1. We get a movie I'm super excited about and she falls asleep halfway through.

OR

2. We find some ridiculous comedy that sounds good to Ange and simultaneously doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out, and there's only a 50/50 chance she'll fall asleep.

Tonight's selection was Jack and Jill starring Adam Sandler x2. It was completely ridiculous as expected. Mostly completely OOC and kooky but lots of very hilarious slapstick. Ange made it through the whole thing which equals successful date night for me!

365: BIL

I somehow managed to not take a single picture today. But as I was looking through my pics to see if there was one I might say something about I flipped all the way back to December and found this gem! And then nearly fell out of my chair laughing!

Every year for the past 4 or 5 years I've taken my brother-in-law (BIL henceforth) Christmas shopping to buy gifts for my sister. We started this tradition after two years of him attempting to shop with his BFF, in which he was sucked into buying totally lame gifts by his dumb BFFs ideas and stupid salesgirl pitches. After coming home with $80 Victoria's Secret pjs and two scarf sets he decided he needed help. And ever since then it's been my job to help him.

In the midst of this tradition, we started another one. The "here's Clint wearing a funny hat combination." It's usually a silly Christmas themed hat, or sometimes a sports related hat. This year we didn't find anything good until our last stop (and after a text from my mom wondering where the crazy hat pic was!). We had to improvise and find the goofy thing available. The best part is that BIL has a giant gord so while I'm trying to set up the shot he's hissing at me to hurry before his head contents under pressure. Ahhh, good memories.

365: Hazards of Working in Sex (Research & Education)

As I was walking through the grocery store today I had to do a double take at this can of olive oil. On first glance I thought it was a lady in bondage. Seriously. When I glanced back I saw it was supposed to be an innocent Italian girl being slightly coquettish. Our Human Sexuality lesson today was about BDSM so that's naturally why my mind went there. See how much you're missing out on people?!?!

365: Snack Bag

We have a little tradition around Camp Awesome: when you get to the bottom of a bag of chips and the ratio of food reward to crumby hands becomes too great, you are obligated to create a "snack bag." You take the kitchen shears and cut it down to a nice low length to reduce the potential for crumb halfway up your arm and voila! New bag practically! Yum! Pass me the chips please!

365: Wanna Know How I Know Ange is Perfect for Me?

Tonight we were moving something out of this storage cabinet and we crashed into this dog bowl and half of it spilled on the floor. We both looked down, looked up at each other, shrugged and said simultaneously "Meh, someone will eat it."

And then cracked up at our mutual "efficiency."

Good job Daisy. You didn't let us down.

365: Dorky Dog Eyes

Until we moved into Camp Awesome, I never realized how differently dogs see from humans. Specifically, how wacky their depth perception is and how hard it is for them to figure things out sometimes. One of those times is when I try and call for Duke when he's on the upper driveway. When I come out the door and he's standing anywhere except the end of the deck he gets so confused as to how to get to me. I have to physically walk to the end of the deck so he can see how to walk a basically 90 degree angle to come in. We do this at least once a day. You'd think he'd figure it out. Especially since if left alone he eventually comes and stands at the backdoor. Nerds.

365: Tight Sweatpants

I made Ange take off her skanky hairy sweatpants before she laid on the bed while I took my shower today. When I got out I noticed she had on some very tight sweatpants. Upon further inspection I noticed a weird bulge coming from the back of said pants. Apparently she was cold and didn't feel like dirtying another pair so she got creative. Weir-do.

365: "We are like, SO NICE to old people"

I did my sexual activity timeline in my human sexuality class today. This time instead of just having a "start" date, I also added an "end" date. So they had to come up with a list of "typical" sexual behaviors one would experience over a lifetime, tell me when these behaviors started (on average) and when they thought they ended (on average). Very enlightening to say the least. Overall they thought they were "like, SO nice to old people" by thinking "old people" had sex for "so long."

Here's the list so you don't have to squint:

Closed Mouth Kissing - Starts at age 5, Ends at Death
Masturbation for Boys - Starts at age 11.5 years of age (split between 11 & 12), Ends at Death
“Dating” - Starts at age 13, Ends at 16.5 years of age
Open Mouth Kissing - Starts at age 13, Ends at Death
Dry Humping - Starts at age 14, Ends at 50 years of age
Under Clothes Groping - Starts at age 14, Ends at 50 years of age
Masturbation for Girls - Starts at age 15, Ends at 62.5 years of age (split between 60 & 65)
Spooning - Starts at age 14.5, Ends at Death
Masturbating Each Other - Starts at age 14.5, Ends at Death
Oral Sex - Starts at age 15, Ends at 65 years of age
Intercourse - Starts at age 16, Ends at 75 years of age
Serious Dating – Starts at age 16.5, Ends at 55 years of age
Sex on Drugs - Starts at age 17, Ends at 30 years of age (intense discussion about “level” of drug – we just went with “average drug use”)
Men Receiving Anal Sex - Starts at age 17, Ends at Death (intense discussion about Viagra here)
Casual Sex - Starts at age 17.5, Ends at 40 years of age - also starts at 70 years of age and ends at Death (for those who are divorced or widowed)
Love - Starts at age 18, Ends at Death (or “never”)
Kinky Sex (anything from sex toys to S&M) - Starts at age 18.5, Ends at 65 years of age
Women Receiving Anal Sex - Starts at age 19, Ends at 30 years of age
Rim Jobs - Starts at age 20, Ends at 65 years of age
Group Sex - Starts at age 20 (although some said 3-somes started earlier – orgies later), Ends at 35 years of age
Have Baby - Starts at age 22.5, Ends at 42 years of age (some said 40, some said 45)
Marriage - Starts at age 25, Ends at Death
Prostitution / Paying for Sex - Starts at age 30 (this was a VERY big average – some said 18, some said 50+), Ends at 65 years of age
Divorce - Starts at age 40, Ends at Death

365: Only in Chico

I love this sign at the Farmers Market. I'm actually surprised it doesn't have more animals listed. There is a guy who walks around town with a bird on his shoulder. We saw him at Walmart once. And a few different people with different reptiles. That's just how we roll around here.

365: Oh Yes She Did!

Ange apparently thought this some e-card was SO me that she blew it up and laminated it. It's going to hang proudly above my desk. Sadly, even the not so subtle sign will probably not stop people from missing the context clues of my eyeballs rolling back in my head and shutting up.