Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Ok this really has nothing to do with lying but I needed a catchy title. 

So Nigeria is a former British Colony. Many things in Nigeria are still impacted by this, namely the school system organization as well as language. I forget this fact usually until something funny happens. Like when I tell everyone in the world that my underwear is too big and baggy.

So yeah. In Nigeria they call underwear "pants" and they call what we call pants "trousers." I've lost quite a bit of weight and my pants/trousers are getting very lose and baggy. Well my underwear is too but that's not what I would usually tell anyone. So when people tell me I've "reduced" (which means lost weight in Nigeria) I say yes but I am not sure how much because I haven't weighed myself but I can tell because all of my pants are baggy. When I realize my error I usually say "Oops, I mean trousers!" and laughter ensues. If I don't remember then well they probably think I'm strange for telling them my underwear a big and baggy. Hahaha.

Cross Cultural Sex Education

As I’ve mentioned previously, pretty much everyone knows I’m the “sex scientist” around here or the weird American lady who’s always talking about sex. But of course, since most people secretly want to know more information about sex (and just won’t admit it) I get a lot of private one-on-one conversations with people about the topic. I was hanging out with 2 friends the other day talking about this and that and they asked me about my research and how it was going (e.g. not at all). These two friends said they would like to know more about my research so I was asking them some of the questions I ask in my interviews. The first question is “Tell me what you think about abstinence.” This usually ranges from what they think about it personally to what is the meaning of it. This conversation became very intense around the definition of abstinence.

Before I go further I have to say that these 2 friends are quite opposite. Friend 1 (F1) is very sexually naïve and not experienced at all. Friend 2 (F2) is much more knowledgeable and I believe (though can’t confirm) is much more experienced.

So I say “what does abstinence mean?” F1 says “not having sex.” So I say “All kinds of sex?” and F1 says “I’m sorry Aunty Lindsay, but is there more than one kind of sex? I don’t know what you mean.” Oh goodie. This should be fun. So I say “Yes, there are different kinds of sex. Would you like me to tell you about them?” And she said yes. So I said “First there is vaginal sex, which is what you probably are thinking about when I say sex. But there is also anal sex.” And F1 says “I don’t know what that means. Can you explain it more.” So I say “That is when a man puts his penis into your bumbum (which is what Nigerians call the butt).” I seriously wish I would have had a camera to capture the look of horror and disbelief on her face. She shrieks “WHAT? Why would someone do something SO DISGUSTING???” So I go into non-judgmental educator mode and explain why some people think it is pleasurable and how some people like to experiment and spice up their sex lives. After a lengthy discussion F1 says “Aunty Lindsay, you have failed to present any reasonable explanations for why someone would do this. I could understand why if there was a benefit of some kind, like maybe it made you stronger or healthier but you didn’t. If my future husband asked me to do something like that I would think he had lost his mind.” In the meantime F2 had remained quiet about this and F1 turns to her and says “Did you know about this?” and F2 says “Yes.” F1 tries to remain insistent that it is an American practice and Nigerians DO NOT engage in this behavior. I assured her she was incorrect and F2 backed me up. Hopefully we have not scarred her for life.

So then she says “Are there any other kinds of sex I don’t know about?” And of course I had to break the news that yes there were. So then I explained oral sex. Again, horror. Her main thought was that your “private parts” are the dirtiest, filthiest parts of your body so why would anyone put their mouth on them? I assured her that your private parts are actually very clean and as long as you bathe regularly there is no harm. She remained unconvinced and again declared this as something Nigerians do not do (wrong again).

The next day when I saw her she told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about our disgusting conversation. She said she was brushing her teeth that morning and she almost threw up because she kept thinking about it. The even funnier thing about this all is that she is always telling me she wants to marry an American man (or perhaps a white European). After this conversation I asked her about her feelings on this topic and if it affected her desire to marry a white guy. She assured me should would find one of the “non-disgusting white men” to marry. She kills me, she’s so funny. All in all I guess I would consider the education session a win. Even if I can’t convince her to be less judgmental of a variety of sexual behaviors she is at least now aware and can hopefully build a successful relationship with someone who shares her opinion on these sexual behaviors. I hope she finds the non-disgusting man of her dreams.

Watching The Duchess: A Cultural Experience

 

Since I was sick all weekend I didn't do much but lay around, internet and match movies. A came over to my room one evening and we decided to watch a movie. We watched The Duchess starring Keira Knightly and Ralph Fiennes. Overall we both very much enjoyed the movie, but in addition to the actual story line I also enjoyed watching the movie with A because of the cultural ride and insight it gave me. 

**Warning, if you've not seen the movie and don't want to read and spoilers, stop now**

The basic story line is that Keira Knightly is a girl from an aristocratic family who is married off to The Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes) who turns out to be a major jerk in the husband and father category. He rampantly cheats on her, blames her when she only has daughters, etc. She befriends a woman who is struggling with her own marital issues (Bess) and moves her into their estate. Bess and The Duke end of starting an affair. The Duchess demands he kick Bess out and he says no. At this point I am trying to remain within the norms of the time period and realize divorce really isn't an option but I'm so irritated by The Duke I'm thinking of all sorts of ways for her to get back at him. In the midst of all this happening The Duchess rekindles her friendship with her teenage crush and so I say "Ok, she should totally sleep with him. Fair is fair." A on the other hand, being both Nigerian and a very conservative Christian, says "Oh Lindsay, that wouldn't help the situation. She would have to bear that sin and that would just make her life worse. She'll just have to manage the situation and find wisdom to deal with her husband." Hmm, interesting perspective. Eventually Bess ends up being like a second wife to the Duke, which as you can imagine is torture to The Duchess, and so the Duchess proposes a deal with the Duke that she can have an affair with her lover and he can have Bess live with him but they'll hold up the appearances that they are happily married. The Duke basically says "do as I say, not as I do" and then beats and rapes her. The Duchess sneaks off on vacation and starts her affair anyway, but her husband finds out and threatens to kick her out and never let her see her kids again. He tells her she has to move back in with him and Bess and just deal with it. At this point I am ready to forget social customs and all and am like "Heck no! She should seriously divorce him!!!" A steadfastly argues against that saying that divorce is just not possible and that a woman cannot leave her husband no matter how miserable he makes her. At this point I'm like "SERIOUSLY?" So even though her husband is forcing her to live in some weird polygamous marriage against her will, it would still be better to stay married and "manage" and use "wisdom" to figure out how to handle the situation? Wow is all I could say. 

It really put some things in perspective for me. No matter how crappy your husband might be, many Christian Nigerian women would stick it out. Very interesting indeed. I would be interested to know how she felt about watching the movie with me, as an American, but I don't know if she intensely analyzed the scenario as much as me. After all, she was there for the entertainment, and not as the constant researcher I seem to be.

Anyway, the movie was really good. I recommend it. Even if you don't have a buddy to watch it with like me.

Culture of Corruption

The other night I was hanging out with one of my friends and I was reading an article on CNN about how Nigeria is one of the biggest oil producers in the world, and yet, they have some of the lowest consumption rates of energy in Africa because of the failure of the government to turn Nigeria’s wealth into practical solutions for the population. Now my friend is fiercely nationalistic. She loves Nigeria with a burning passion and can’t stand to hear negative things about Nigeria, even if they are largely true and commonly agreed upon. This always makes for very interesting discussions.

We were talking about the major problems with Nigeria and how they can be fixed. As it typical of many Nigerians her only solution to Nigeria’s woes is to “pray that God helps us.” Which I think is the laziest most ridiculous solution in the world. And I let her know. It’s not to say that prayer is not something she should do, but to rely on this as your only method to solve the very big problems of your country is just flat out ridiculous. Even if God decided to help Nigeria but snapping his finger and changing things, people still have free will and can continue to muck it up. Prayer will only help when paired with actions to back it up. And I told her all this. Her response is “Well what can we do? We are powerless.” I disagree that Nigerians are powerless though I do realize that starting a massive political movement is unlikely to be fruitful. The ruling party is very powerful, police and military are very corrupt and that is usually a recipe for chaos and civil unrest. However, I said that doesn’t mean there aren’t solutions that Nigerians can figure out in order to help the country. Nigerians need to figure out how to help themselves and their country. She remained doubtful.

I then mentioned that most Nigerians tend to blame only the leadership of the country for being so corrupt, which they are, but they are not the only ones. In fact, corruption runs from the very top to the very bottom in Nigeria. Whether it is cheating someone in the market, lying about any numerous things or cheating on an exam corruption is present everywhere. It is a part of daily life. My friend refused to acknowledge much of this and also said it is different than what the government leaders are doing. It is because everyone finds it acceptable to lie and cheat that the leaders don’t feel bad robbing the people of millions and billions of dollars. Sure it is on a much larger scale but it is still the same principle. She vehemently disagreed and therein lies our problem. Until all Nigerians acknowledge that corruption happens everywhere and that everyone is responsible for changing their own person behavior then Nigeria is going to continue to suffer with corruption and poor leadership. Things will continue to get worse rather than better, and that makes me very, very sad. Nigeria CAN be a great country, but right now I feel that they are lost. It is going to take a major cultural shift in how things are done and what is considered acceptable behavior and practices in this society.

General Update

I've been posting mostly about cultural stuff and funny stories rather than actual my daily life so I thought I was overdue for one. 

I still have not received approval to start interviewing students which is of course frustrating. I've been here just over 10 weeks and I still have yet to meet with the committee who does the approvals and I'm not really sure if the entire committee has seen my documents. It's kind of hard to nail down exact answers. There are a variety of mitigating factors (various important events, internet at the University was down for several weeks, etc.) but I am getting really antsy. I don't want to run out of time and have to rush through my interviews. It's starting to turn into a scene from The Money Pit. I ask about approval from my contacts and the answer is always "Oh I think in the next week it should be approved." But I'm stuck in a sticky situation. Being able to do my research in this environment is a HUGE deal (both to me and in terms of precedence) so I want to honor my hosts (hosts both specifically & generically) but the bottom line is that I have a very limited amount of time left and every day that ticks by sends me into a panic. I've little by little been stepping up my check-ins and follow-throughs...trying to worry less about cultural politeness (though keeping it in mind) and more about actual facts of life. Hopefully I will have a happier update about this SOON!

I finally finished off my $11 box of Apple Jacks. They were excellent down to the almost stale last bite.

I have been doing lots of physical activity: walking, yoga, playing soccer with the teen boys on the compound, etc. I have lost some pretty substantial weight, though I'm not exactly sure how much. I don't want to feel disappointed so I've refused L's offers to use her scale. But my clothes are very loose and I can see a difference in the mirror. Let's hope I keep this momentum up and continue it when I get home. New me!

I am definitely integrated into the community as much as I will ever be short of living here for the rest of my life (which won't happen EVER). I get scolded for not following social norms, people ask where I am if I don't attend an event (or if they THINK I didn't attend something), and people generally don't give me too much special treatment. There is some special treatments that will always remain (L still gets special privileges and she's lived her 8 years) but people are less likely to wear their "best white people" behavior when I'm around. I have some real friendships that have formed. I know a ton of people. Students wave at me when I'm on campus. Different market merchants know me. In general, life is as "normal" as it's going to be. 

I've applied to 21 faculty jobs so far. I have 3 more in the queue that are waiting for various deadlines, etc. Keeping my hopes up that more will be posted as none of the current ones are in places where I have family. There are a number of them that are very exciting and sound great, but really, I would take a job I was less enthused about if it meant I got to be close to family. We shall see how it pans out. 

Other than that I'm just living life and taking it day by day. I'm kind of in a lull right now until I can get going with my interviews. I'm staying busy by helping out with various non-research related projects that people have asked for my help with. I'm just trying to enjoy the little things before I get totally absorbed in my work and head home! I'll keep you updated!

Oh! Sorry-o!

In my continuing chronicle of things that Nigerians say that strike me funny or different I want to talk about saying sorry. In the US we generally only say sorry if we did something to cause trouble, pain, etc. in someone's life. But here in Nigeria you say sorry for just about anything and everything that is less than hunky dory. And it's not just "sorry" it's "Oh! Sorry-o!" In Nigeria the adding of "-o" on many, many words is both a sign of sincerity and also a little bit of Pidgin English flair. This phrase is so common that I find myself doing and saying it non-stop like everyone else. The other day I was talking to Ange online and she said she was tired. My automatic response was "Sorry." And she was of course perplexed so I had to explain this whole thing to her. Here are some more examples for when sorry is appropriate:

Someone drops a pen? Oh! Sorry-0!

You say you had a bad night's sleep? Oh! Sorry-o!

You trip and almost fall all because you are clumsy? Oh! Sorry-o!

I hear this phrase at least once every day. Probably more. And it seems to have completely infiltrated my thought processes (as noted to the conversation above with Ange). But really, I don't mind. When I said sorry to Ange she told me not to say sorry unless I really meant it. Which of course I actually did. I was sorry that she was tired, because that is unfortunate especially given it was the middle of the day and I knew she had a lot more to do that day. It might be a different kind of sorry, but that's ok with me. I can still be empathetic-ally sorry for misfortunes in another person's life. I'd rather everyone be feeling well and spry and ready to take on the world. And if you are less than that, I may just say "Oh! Sorry-o!" Ok, well maybe I'll keep the "Sorry" part and drop the "Oh!" and "-o" parts. I don't want to totally confuse everyone!

Interpretive Dancing

I'll say one thing...if interpretive dancing were an Olympic sport (and I'm not talking about lame-o rhythmic gymnastics) the Nigerian's would win piles of gold medals every four years. I have seen more interpretive dancing in the past 9 weeks than I've probably seen in the rest of the years of my life combined.

Church service? Interpretive dance!

Conference? Interpretive dance!

Talent show? Interpretive dance!

There's even a family interpretive dance show akin to America's Got Talent that is very popular right now. A whole family competes and the judges have to guess what the dance was about. Kind of "Whose Line is It Anyway?" meets "So You Think You Can Dance" actually. And there's randomly some American lady on the judging panel. Bet she never guessed she'd be a TV star in Nigeria! It's totally hilarious.

The best part of the interpretive dancing is the very authentic, but not so much, imitation "ballet dancing" that most people seem to believe is mandatory for interpretive dancing. I feel like there is a hidden market for ballet dancing around here what with apparently everyone and literally their mother sitting around watching old ballet dancing videos and trying their very best to imitate them. Throw on some gospel music and you have an award winning production. No literally, the talent show at Church has like 50 contestants for the dance competition and every single one of them was a interpretive gospel ballet dance. Both single contestants and groups. Everyone REALLY LOVES interpretive dancing. I might have to throw together a little routine for my dissertation defense just so I feel like I am accurately representing my research.

Somehow & Anyhow

One of my favorite, favorite things about learning about new cultures is language. I'm no linguist by any means, but I very much enjoy thinking about and trying to understand language and it's use in cultures. Language can often give deeper insight into cultural differences that you wouldn't necessarily think about. It's also one of my biggest sources of laughter and amusement. The things that come out of people's mouths (both others to me as well as me to their ears) can cause hysterical fits and private jokes for weeks.

Two of my favorite partial phrases that Nigerians consistently use are "(something) is somehow" and "(something) just anyhow."

For example, tonight at dinner we had spaghetti. It tasted different than it usually does and someone remarked "This sauce is different. It tastes somehow." Which when you really think about it from an American perspective the second sentence is saying virtually the same thing as the first sentence, and really neither one are giving you any clue into how it is different. Often when I try to press someone on what they mean by this "somehow" I get no further. "What do you mean 'somehow'?" "I don't know, just somehow." You quickly learn to stop asking for more information because you know it won't get you anywhere.

As for the other one, one of the kids was giving a summary of a book he read and said about 5 times "The main point of the book is that you shouldn't spend your money just anyhow." This phrase is a little more clear...obviously you shouldn't just spend your money with wild abandon but "just anyhow" is still pretty vague and it's used in other contexts where it makes a less clear point.

For me, as a naturally inquisitive person and a qualitative researcher, this sheds light on one of the more frustrating cultural differences that I've noticed about living in Nigeria. It's very hard to get people to understand that I really, really & truly want them to describe this "somehow" or "anyhow." For me, it speaks to how Nigeria is much less concisely verbally expressive than the US and that less value is placed on exploring specific meanings of abstract concepts. This is not to say that Nigeria isn't expressive because Nigeria has some of the most beautiful art and music in the world. It's just a different style of expression, one that does not lend itself well to the type of information I am usually seeking. Often when someone does try to explain something to me it is filled with round about stories with metaphors and analogies and I'm left with a blank expression and hours of thinking to try and figure out exactly what the person was trying to tell me. I want and am looking for 2-3 sentences telling me a precise definition where they are looking to create a visual scene in my mind and some kind of holistic understanding of the topic of hand. It's one of the most challenging things I have to work on while I am here. In the beginning I used to zone out after a few minutes of what seemed like nonsensical rambling and then just pretending to understand what the heck they were trying to tell me, but now I'm getting better at following through the story and grand picture and usually get what the person is trying to express. I'm sure I still miss nuances, but overall I'm getting their meaning. And more importantly I've learned I can't just ask questions anyhow and that sometimes I just have to accept a non-descript somehow or two and make up a meaning for myself.

Boogers

Yeah, that's right, this post is about boogers. Ok, well maybe not boogers per se, but definitely about nose picking. Nose picking in Nigeria is very common place. You see it everywhere and pretty much it's not as taboo as in the US. And I'm not talking about children. I'm talking about EVERYONE. Adults, kids, teenagers, old people...pretty much you'll see any age engaging in some nose picking. And I'm not talking about a dainty little "oh I have something of the tip of my nose, I'll just rub it a bit." I'm talking full-on up to the second knuckle digging for gold nose picking. No efforts to hide it, no making it look less obvious, or even looking away from someone while it's going on. Nope, if there is a booger then it must be dug out IMMEDIATELY with the full force necessary to delodge it. And I won't even tell you what happens to the boogers once they are found. If you're lucky it involves a handkerchief...if not, stomach churns ahead.

Luckily I think this is a habit that is starting to change. You are much less likely to see this habit among the more educated, young adults and/or those who spend more time interacting with Western visitors. Perhaps someone along the way mentioned that it's considered impolite (and GROSS) to dig in your nose in public. However, as much as there are signs of progress on this social norm, I must report that just this past Sunday I saw someone digging their way through Church service. No shame whatsoever.

Thank you, Captain Obvious

So there is one thing that I can't quite seem to get used to no matter how many times I travel abroad. Well, I'm used to it in the sense that it doesn't shock me when it happens, but I'm not used to it in the fact that I still find it severely irritating even after all these years. This thing I'm talking about is the lack of politeness around pointing out people's flaws. It happened to me in China all the time...people would run up to me (and another girl in my group who was taller, but slightly thinner than me) and go "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO FAT! Can I take a picture with you?" usually followed by a pose with their arms stretched out to show how fat I was in comparison to them. Yes, thanks for that, I wasn't quite aware. Well, it happens here as well.

The two biggest things that have been commented on during this stay are two unusual moles/birthmarks that I have. The first one is this reddish raised mole/birthmark that I have near my hairline. It's really noticeable here because I always wear my hair pulled back since it is hot and humid and that equals pouffy hair for me if I keep it down. Oh and the fact that I'm blinding white and it is dark-ish red.

I swear, the first 2 weeks I was here no less than 3 people per day pointed it out. "Aunty Lindsay! What is that on your head???" or "Aunty Lindsay! Your head is bleeding!!!" And then we'd have a 5 minute discussion about what the heck a mole and/or birthmark is (not common on darker skin) and about a thousand reassurances that it was not bleeding, a bug bite, or something that would go away we'd be done. Until the next person noticed it. I have become so self conscious over the dumb thing that I am seriously considering going to a dermatologist when I get home to have it removed. It's never bothered me before but I'm seriously at the point where I want to shriek at the next person who points it out. Get over it already!!!

Now that I'm more chummy with people I get arms thrown around my neck more often. Either in a chummy "hey, how's it going?" way or in the form of a hug. Unluckily for me, I have a big gross mole on the back of my neck that protrudes out a bit and as one of the dear kids pointed out "wiggles when you touch it."


It's times like this that I think...ya know, living in a stuffy, overly polite society is kind of nice. At home the only people who can rip on me like that are my sisters. And at least I know it's done lovingly. Here it's just kind of out there, and is usually done in a way to tell you there is something wrong with you and maybe you should think about being less weird or doing something to improve yourself.

This is not to say that it only happens to me. It happens to everyone. Just today one of the kids told one of the housegirls that she should stop eating so much rice because her belly was looking fat like she was pregnant. Ah, how charming.

Best

In Nigeria instead of saying something is your favorite you instead say it is your best. So instead of "what is your favorite movie?" it would be "what is your best movie?" Or instead of "Lady GaGa is my favorite singer" you would say "Lady GaGa is my best singer." I always thought it was the funniest strange expression and it always made me chuckle a little on the inside. But the other day I realized in the US we use the same expression in at least one way. You wouldn't say "My favorite friend is Ange" you would say "My best friend is Ange." So now it doesn't seem as strange, but I have to admit, I still giggle a little on the inside every time I hear it.

Nigerian Idol

People around here LOVE to sing. I have heard more people singing in the past month and a half than I probably hear in a year in America. And it doesn't really matter how good (or not good) you are, unabashed singing is generally welcome here. It's not like the US, where we might sing in the car (with the music on loud) or maybe in a bar or at karaoke. People sing everywhere. In the market, in the office, in the street. Singing, singing, singing, all day long. For the most part people are decent or better, but every once in a while you hear someone wailing away and you think "Wow, you go boy/girl cause if I sang like that there's no way I'd ever sing in public!" But there in general seems to be a lack of judgment cast on less than nice singing voices. Or maybe it's the social decorum here that prevents people from commenting, especially since much of the singing is gospel singing. It would be in poor taste to dis someone singing about Jesus I suppose. Whatever it is, it's one thing that really makes it different from the US.

Nigerianisms

Nigerians have a very distinct way of speaking. It is a result of having a very complex system of languages interwoven throughout history and contemporary society. Nigeria has over indigenous languages. It also has a history of colonialism which brought British English to the country, and before English was widely taught in schools, communication between colonizers and natives developed as it often does in "baby talk" or simple communication, which eventually turned in to a much more highly developed system of language called Pidgin English. Nigeria has one of the most sophisticated systems of Pidgin in the world. So much so, that some linguists believe that Nigerian Pidgin should be classified as a Creole (for non-academics, just ignore this info...it's deeper than I'm sure you care). So the current status of language and communication in Nigeria is a complex mix of British English, Pidgin English, Native Languages, and even a bit of American slang thrown in (as a result of Western influence through media and globalization).

There are certain phrases and words that are uniquely Nigerian and I wanted to give you some examples...

• I am coming - I wrote a whole blog post about this previously, but basically it means, "at some point in the future, I will be back"
• Off de [light, a/c, etc.] - This phrase is used instead of saying "Can you turn off the [whatever]"
• Dash or dash you - If someone is going to dash you something, it basically means they are giving you something, so "Please, dash me 1000 Naira" means "Please can you give me 1000 Naira?"
• Ahbeg - Literally "I beg." It can be used in two different ways. The first is with genuine sincerity, like "Please loan me 1000 Naira, ahbeg." The other is used in a sarcastic way, like "Please! Leave me alone, ahbeg!"
  
• The boot - This means a trunk of a car. If you say "Driver, open the trunk," they'll look at you and have no idea what you are asking. But if you say "Please, open the boot," they'll totally know what you are asking. This is a leftover British saying as the British call the trunk the boot to this day.
  

There are many more examples but these are just a smattering to give you an idea. It's kind of amazing how quickly little sayings and idioms take over your normal style of speaking. Part of it has to do with easing communication. Americans speak much faster than Nigerians (on average) and many Nigerians find it hard to understand our "thick American accents" so instead of repeating what you mean over and over, sometimes it's just easier to give in to the local expressions even if it isn't how you would normally speak or is completely grammatically incorrect. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up before I come home...if I come home and it sounds like I'm speaking gibberish, just give me a few days and I'll return to normal.

Decisions, decisions

Food is a curious thing in Nigeria. Nigerians LOVE their food, but for most visitors we can’t figure out why. Not why they love their food necessarily because some of it is very tasty, but because really they do not offer the most diverse choices even when given the chance.

Take a look at my daily lunch decision at BIU: I could have chicken with fried rice, I could have chicken with jollof rice, I could have fish with friend rice, or I could have fish with jollof rice. Wow. Such choices! But since I really don't eat meat, I can chose either:

Fried rice with fish (notice this is a center cut piece)

Or jollof rice and fish (this is a tail piece)

If I was really lucky I could have fried plantain with my rice & fish/chicken, but that’s rare. It doesn’t happen often at BIU, but elsewhere I might have a choice of white rice. And the fish cut...I don't usually get a choice, but if I do, definitely the tail. Let's bones to pick through. And it's easier to remove the skin. Which, by the way, causes LOTS of looks. Nigerians eat it all, except the bones. The way I dissect my food is totally bizarre to them. But what's new right?

These are the daily lunch choices EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. No variation. Ever. Seriously…there’s no desire to ever deviate from this menu apparently.

And it would be one thing if Nigerians were like “We’re not food people. We eat to live, not live to eat” BUT THEY TOTALLY AREN’T. They love food! But they only have like 10 options in their entire repertoire of food options. Try and suggest something new and they look at you like you are crazy. It’s like living with a strange version of my sister, with much stranger food that she would ever eat.

Bustin My Chops

So I was in church yesterday, as per usual for a Sunday. We were well into our third hour and I was desperately trying to fend off the sleepiness threatening to overtake me, so I was looking at my iphone and deciding if I would randomly read the bible or if I should catch up on some notes in my research journal (I use Momonote, a truly awesome app). In general, I try and be respectful in church even if I'm not totally into the 4 hour service so that's why I stuck to these two options. I didn't really feel like reading so I decided to write some notes.

Now three additional notes before I carry on. The first, like many churches, this church has ushers that assist with various things (offerings, seating, etc.). Unlike some churches they stand at rapt attention for the entire length of the service. We have the same guy in our section, the Minister's Stand, every week. We, meaning me, M, A, T, Baby F & D, sit in the back of the section and try to stay out of the walking path that is right in front of our chairs.

The second note is that Nigerians are some note taking fools. I don't know if I just never noticed this before or if it's particular to the people I'm hanging out with, but seriously, nearly everyone in church takes detailed notes about the sermons each week. They write down all the bible verses, who spoke that week, and key messages. Like the most conscientious students ever.

The third and final, is that M got a new Blackberry this week. Blackberry is the BIG thing in Nigeria. For some reason the cell phone companies have special deals for Blackberry phones, but no other Smartphones. My iphone works but I have to pay the same rates as any other joe with a junk phone. With Blackberry you get unlimited data usage for 5,000 Naira a month (about $33). And Blackberry, if you weren't in the know, has a private text messaging like system that was built by and for Blackberry exclusively. It's called BB Messaging, or "pinging" for short. Nigerians love some pinging. M has been using an iphone but since he is here for another 4 years (he's going to University here) he decided it would be a better investment to use a Blackberry. I'd have to agree. If I were gonna be here for longer than 4 more months I'd probably get one too. But for now I'll be conscious with my iphone use and not get as much bang for the buck. Anyway, long story to say, M is OBSESSED with his new phone and is pretty much glued to it.

So I am writing away in my notes and I think M is goofing around (he also is not a fan of the 4 hour services) when the Usher for our section comes over and hisses at us "Are you MESSAGING???" And I'm like, whoa, back the truck up Chuck, why are you in my biz? And I flash my screen and say "NO, I'm taking notes." So he decides to leave me alone and harass M instead. I didn't hear what excuse M gave, but I was really like, UGH. Don't try and call me out! Everyone else was taking their notes, but they just happened to be doing it with a notebook and pen. I was using my phone. I mean, I wasn't exactly taking notes about what the sermon was about, but still, I was paying more attention than I would be if I were dozing off, which is what I would have been doing otherwise. I was a little annoyed. I didn't even get in this much trouble when I was in Catholic Sunday school!

And with every story in Nigeria it seems, there was a funny twist at the end. As we were leaving church the guy says "Hey, remember I told you how much I like you bible?" My CATHOLIC bible that I used to bring every week before I downloaded my iphone bible app? Ah yes, I remember you telling me you liked it for whatever reason I have no idea. He says "Before you leave, I wish that you would give it to me." Seriously? Besides the fact that it is a Catholic bible and you are not Catholic, YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO BUST MY CHOPS DUDE. I gave him a non-committal answer and told him I had to go. Some people!

Why Nigerians Love to Hear Themselves Talk: My Hypothesis

One of the things that I am constantly thinking about when I hang around a bunch of Nigerians is “GOD, these people LOVE to hear themselves talk!” or “OMG, shut up already!” Of course that is a totally bitchy and culturally condescending thing to say, and with all cultural issues I encounter I always want to examine why these things happen or why they are the way they are because I feel it helps me to be more understanding and tolerant and usually helps with my irritation levels.

I’ve been thinking about this over the past few weeks trying to come up with some reasons that whenever a microphone seems to be near, everyone and their mother feels the need to use it and offer their opinions for hours after everyone is done listening and ready to move on.

After some serious thinking I’ve come up with my answer. It may not be the right answer necessarily, but it makes me satisfied and helps me to be more understanding.

Nigeria is place full of rigid social customs and a very corrupt government. People are not allowed to freely speak out (for the most part) due to strict social norms about decorum. “Free and fair elections” are not really present here. Once a government is in power there is no system for checks and balances nor a system for feedback on how the government is doing. All of these conditions I believe set up an atmosphere where people are rarely allowed to speak their opinions and have anyone listen to them. So when they are offered an opportunity to speak and be heard, they are dying to utilize it. So it doesn’t matter if everyone has sat for hours and hours and are tired of whatever program is running, people won’t be done until they’ve had their turn at the mic and had their opportunity to speak their minds.

So I am trying harder to be sensitive to this, and to always remember how lucky I am that I can speak my mind whenever I want in a variety of different venues, vote for whomever I want on regularly scheduled intervals, and basically know that my government is at least partially held accountable to the people and aren’t totally corrupt.

How to Create a Scene Without Really Trying

Step One: Fly to Nigeria.

Step Two: Wait until it's rained for about 3 days straight. If half of the streets in the city are flooded then you are on track.

Step Three: Put on a pair of flip flops and some clothes you don't mind getting a bit dirty. I prefer my Walmart $2.50 brand, but I'm guessing any pair will do.


Step Four: Go to the market and walk through the wet and muddy streets. Make it known that you are American. Being white will do just fine (sorry to my friends of color...you might need to open your mouth and speak in your oh-so-identifiable American accent).

Step Five: Be careful that you don't get in the way of the "Indiscipline Police" who are likely smashing the tables and slicing the umbrellas of the vendors who dare spill out of their booth space.


Step Six: As you walk you will become more and more muddy. This is when people will start to lose their minds. And point. And stare. And say "OH NO AUNTY! YOU ARE SOOO MUDDY!"


Congratulations, you've successfully created a scene with very little effort.

Bless Me Father for I have Sinned...

It's been 678 years since my last confession. So sue me.

Anyway, I thought it was an appropriate title given my current lifesyle (e.g. Church maniac) to discuss the current state of my eating affairs in Nigeria. The sad and shocking truth is that I've been eating meat. Not much, and not enjoying it, but eating it nonetheless. It was one of those other things I thought might happen but I neither dwelt on it nor mentioned it because it was too depressing to think about.

Given that I am a guest in some very gracious people's house, I will do anything to be the least bothersome guest possible. Also given that Nigerian social customs lie somewhere stuck in the 1950's, I knew if I said I didn't eat meat I might people falling all over themselves to accommodate me (it's happened before). So I made the decision to eat whatever was served, and if I had a choice, to stick to vegetarian or fish meals. It works some of the time, but definitely not all of the time. One night we had Shepard's Pie for dinner, and that is impossible to eat without ingesting meat. We also had spaghetti with meat sauce another night, so that was out as well. I started out with very, very small portions (like 1 oz. of meat in a serving) because I knew it would likely make me sick otherwise. All in all I still eat less than 3 oz. total in one sitting, but still, it makes my heart hurt. I try not to think about it and instead focus on eating healthy balanced meals so I don't get sick (again). I think of it as protein and nothing more. Because if I start to think about animal welfare in Nigeria is makes my stomach hurt and I get very sad.

I know it's probably hard for some of my readers to understand (namely my sister and mother) but being a non-pain-in-the-butt guest is more important to me than anything, even eating things I generally abhor. It's mind over matter, and it's important enough to me to make it happen. When I get back to the US I will return to my normal veggie/pescatarian eating habits, but for now I will focus on being a gracious guest and a healthy person in physical being (probably not in emotional since I'm conflicted with the meat) which is the most important thing to surviving this trip. I just thought I'd give you an update so you wouldn't be too in shock. Sigh. 3 years down the tube.

**The above picture isn't meant to imply that Nigerians eat Monkeys or Dogs. I just googled "sad animals" and that was the worst decision ever. So I picked the first sad one I could stand and there you have it. Seriously, if you love animals, don't make the same mistake. Horrible.**

Nosy Neds

One of the most interesting things here continues to be the lack of personal privacy. I've known this for as long as I've been coming here, but it never ceases to amaze me. Right now, I'm trying to casually turn my computer because one of the other house's nannies keeps reading my screen. People have no problem sitting down next to you to start reading your email with you. Uh, hello? This email is not to you, so bugger off! Usually it's not that bad and I can ignore it, but sometimes I just want to say GET AWAY FROM MY STUFF! I had to put the screen lock on my iphone because everyone was just always picking it up and playing with it. It extends throughout society, not just to me. I went to the hospital 2 weeks ago to visit the HIV team and they invited me to sit in on their consultations with the patients and I was like "Uh, I don't want to violate anyone's privacy" and they LITERALLY CRACKED UP AT THE NOTION. They were like "Oh you Americans, you are so funny about privacy! The patients won't mind at all!" Uh, are you sure? Or you just assume they won't because "that's the way it is" in Nigeria? Next time, I think I'm' going to get one of those privacy filters for my laptop screen. It will at least cut down on the people sitting next to me. Now if they can stand behind me they totally will...

Swamped

I think yesterday was the first day that I didn't post anything since I've been here minus the few days we had no internet. Things have been CRAZY here this week. This week is the Church's women's conference and that means not only do we have approximately 30+ international guests (some from various places across the US, but also England & Cote I'vore) but also there are three sessions a day at the church. Luckily I do not have to attend them all or I might drop dead. The evening session alone lasts between 5 and 7 hours. Seriously. Then there is the early morning session (from 5:30 am to 8 am) and the mid-day session (9 am-2 pm). The other good thing is that since we are international guests we usually miss the first hour which is just praise/worship singing. Even still, exhausting. Yesterday I joked that I could never be Pentecostal because I just don't have the stamina and energy. One of the Americans said "I didn't think anyone had this amount of energy!" and they are Pentecostal too so that made me feel a bit better. The conference will be over technically tomorrow, but as we know, it really leads in to Sunday service. The groups leave on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning so after that normalcy will resume and hopefully I'll get down to business. I was lucky to catch the University's chapel service today and said hello to some students. Next week I'm going to try and do some more meeting and greeting so I can start gearing up for interviews. Can't wait to finally feel like I am making giant leaps of progress rather than just small steps.