Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thoughts While Traveling: Indy to Chicago

I don't Tweet. I try not to abuse my Facebook friends by treating FB as if it were Twitter. But sometimes there are so many things happening I just need to share these moment by moment actions.

Luckily I've installed BlogBooster so I can draft blog posts even while on a plane. Yay for me and now yay for you.

6:25 am

GZUS. So freezing. 8 degrees is unreasonable.

6:37 am

OMG. My car never warms up when it's cold. I'm going to freeze until I get in the airport.

6:42 am

This parking lot sucks. I just had to barrel over a two foot snow and ice bank to park. Still freezing. Walk over to the shelter to wait for the shuttle. Still dying. Oooooh, a warming lamp in the shelter. Warm me up like a rotisserie chicken! Damn, here comes the shuttle. I was just getting in to my chicken method acting. Oh well, the bus is warmer anyway. Old man driving the bus. Love old men. He flings himself out of the drivers seat to grab my bag. Proceeds to ignore the men getting on at the next two stops. Good old chauvinism at its finest. Helps me get my bag off the shuttle. I give him a buck. He can use it to buy some 50-50 raffle tickets at his next Lions Club meeting. I'm positive he's a Lion.

6:51 am

United is annoying. They won't let me self check-in. That means I have to talk to the way too chipper gate agents. They are messing with my plane in Chicago so that's why it wouldn't work. I will get my boarding pass and seating assignment in Chicago.

6:58 am

Yum, Patachou. Waitress is also chipper and chatty. I would not be if I had to work at the airport at 6 in the morning. She asks where I'm going and I say to Cali. She asks for what. I almost said a lobotomy. But I decide not to. For an interview I say. She said you're a college professor right? I'm weirded out. Yes. She says isn't it weird that I know that? Yes. Please go away.

7:20 am

Go through security. Am not laser beam strip searched. Now am sad.

7:24 am

Walking by American Airlines gate I overhear the gate attendant saying that if your bag is too big or you are trying to sneak on extra carry ons they will take them at the gate, check them and charge you the same rate as checked luggage. Good for them. I hate annoying people that try and take too much luggage or not check an obviously too large bag. Just check it for god's sake.

7:27 am

Find some new ear buds for my trip. Ange is probably going to stab me. This is the third pair I've bought in 2 months. I keep losing them. I have not lost either of my Apple pair even though they make my little ear holes hurt which is why I keep buying new ones. These are pink. Maybe I won't lose them.

7:38 am

Some old lady sitting across from me is staring at me with the giant-est smile on her face. I feel like telling her to take a picture cause it lasts longer. But instead try out my new ear buds so she doesn't try and talk to me. They announce boarding will be happening soon and as an extra special treat TSA is doing random ID checks so have your ID ready.

7:42 am

I get stopped. Damn.

7:43 am

The jet way is freezing. The man in front of me is approximately 43 feet tall. He smells like poop...like literally. Like he just shit his Depends. He has very gross back hairs fighting to escape his tragically tacky t-shirt. He has to stoop down to get on the plane. Good, he's not sitting by me. No more poop smells.

7:48 am

My apparent seat mate arrives. She stares at me and says I'm seat 17D. I stare at her and say I'm 17F. She stares at me some more. Then stares at the handy label on the overhead bin. Oh, I guess D comes before F and I'm on the aisle. Glad to have reviewed the alphabet with you. Sit down and don't talk to me again.

7:49 am

They make an announcement that small items should be moved to below the seats to make room for idiotic people's large roller luggage. Psht. I paid the same amount (if not more since it was last minute) for my ticket. I'll take overhead space if I feel like it.

7:50 am

Ugh. An annoying person with a roller bag needs overhead space. He points to my bag and says it could be moved to make room for his. I want to stab him in his leg. The flight attendant says she can't move people's bags. He stands there and starts looking at those of us around the bag. I sigh loudly and say it's mine. He asks if I would mind giving up my space. I do, but I decide to fill up my karma bank and say fine. Yes, let me put my very expensive and brand new Kenneth Cole bag on the ground do we can make room for your crusty hideous too big bag. The flight attendant takes pity on me and stores my bag with her stuff in a special area. Suck it karma.

7:52 am

Whoa, move over Billy Ray Cyrus! The bastard child of Farrah Fawcett and Chuck Norris just sat down in front of me. Serious feathering in the business portion of his mullet and very sleek ponytail in the party section of the mullet. His denim embroidered shirt is a great compliment to the ensemble.

7:54 am

Ms. Alphabet Soup decides she is very hot and opens her little vent to the max. It's blowing her bangs around like a Supermodel photoshoot, and since we're crammed in like sardines, my left arm hairs get to play Supermodel too. Great. I'm going to have a frost bitten left arm by the time we get to Chicago.

8:55 am

We arrive 20 minutes early. Yay! But our gate isn't open because we're so early. Hissss. More arm freezing. 

4 comments:

Leslie Reed said...

You are ridiculous!

smcpherson said...

This is by far the funniest stuff!!! Please keep blogging because it makes me laugh.

Kris said...

Is there any chance you are related to Ben of the Unicorns (and yes, that is a serious question, so let me know if you need an introduction). You two would get along famously.

I just read a post of his about traveling to the United States a few years ago. Seriously . . . you two would love one another. So much ridiculousness!

So much to love here.

So much familiarity.

I hate to travel.

Love this post.

Lynn said...

Fantastic!