Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thoughts While Traveling: Chicago to Sacramento

8:20 am (We've moved to Central time; try and keep up)

Turn on phone. Ange has been texting me. PNC is stalking my charges. Apparently food in Bloomington for 2 days followed by going to the airport in Indy equals possible fraudulent charges. Quit spazzing people.

8:30 am

Listen to the longest automated system in the history of the world to verify I am indeed in control of my bank card and have authorized all of the under $25 charges made in the past 3 days.

8:35 am

Ange tells me that she tried to call PNC for me. They said she is not allowed to know charges I have made with my bank card. Nevermind they called her number to verify the charges. Nevermind we have a joint account. Nevermind she could login to our joint account online and look at my charges. Only I can verify my very top secret charges at Starbucks and United. Lame.

8:48 am

After wandering around a bit listening to very loud Chicagoans talk at very loud levels I choose a seat to sit down and wait for gate agents so I can get my boarding pass. I chose the wrong seat. This lady next to me is going on and on about her very tragic divorce from her no good cheating husband. After I hear the phrases "Republican women's luncheon," "going hunting," "hitting up the Opera for a bluegrass show," and "the only bad part is it's a Baptist church" I decide I can no longer sit next to Sarah Palin's sister and I get up to nonchalantly look for a power plug so I can get some extra iPhone juice. Chicago is apparently Amish because I can find none. Ugh. Go get my boarding pass and find a new seat away from Wannabe Palin.

9:27 am

We finally start boarding. I'm standing in line behind a little man that is a dead ringer for Chairman Mao. This makes me think of the time we were playing Wii Jeopardy and my mom said "Chairman Mao" and Ange said "Who the heck is Churman Mal???" I giggle hysterically to myself. As we near the jetway, Churman leans over the railing and hocks the biggest loogie I've ever heard in my life and spits it in the trashcan 2 feet away. Giggling stops and gagging commences. Sick ass.

9:34 am

I am on the plane and I look over and see a man pretending like his boarding pass is some sort of fake mustache. Then I realize he's using the boarding pass as some kind of silencer because he's talking on his cell phone and apparently doesn't want to disturb anyone and/or let us hear about his affair/Republican luncheon/bluegrass opera/hunting trip. Well carry on then I suppose weird mustache man.

9:57 am

After sitting at gate for eleventy million years we finally push off. I have decided I like United. Much nicer than Delta (my current preferred airline). They have more amenities. Including more comfortable seat belts. Delta appears to only make seat belts for those people with a BMI of 25 or less (e.g. Not me). I am no small lady but I am not a whale. Be reasonable with your belt length for the love. I have plenty of excess belt on United. My gut thanks you.

10:11 am

They are showing Unstoppable on the (communal) movie screens. Good movie. Glad I've seen it so I don't feel tempted to watch it and then get annoyed when I inevitably fall asleep and miss major important parts.

10:27 am

I notice the dude in front of me has the grossest hair ever. Like not washed in 4 months gross. And he's rubbing it all over his headrest. Now I will attempt to never lean my head against my headrest on a plane ever again. So grossed out.

10:32 am

I wish the Captain would turn off the seatbelt sign. I have to pee like whoa even though I'm terrified of using airline bathrooms because I'm afraid my butt will get suction cupped to the seat in some bizarre airplane malfunction. Yes I know this is completely irrational (I specialize in irrational fears, see: sharks in pools), but I'm terrified nonetheless. Especially after hearing a flight attendant acquaintance talk about the toilet paper races she's had with other attendants where they each stick a roll of toilet paper in the toilets and stretch the other end to the middle of the plane and see who's toilet sucks it up fastest. That could be my butt people.

10:37 am

Ugh. Stupid lady on the aisle. She just unpacked a buffet on her tray table. I don't want to be the asshole that asks her to pack it all up so I can pee 20 minutes into the flight. Starbucks this is all your fault.

10:42 am

Stupid lady still hasn't eaten from her buffet. It's just sitting there blocking my way to the suction butt bathroom. Now they are doing drink service. I'm never going to get to go pee. Should have asked for a pair of Depends from the poop Giant on the last flight.

10:53 am

Lost the headrest game. Guess I'll just have greaseball cooties on my head. The guy next to me is snoring. Billy Chuck Fawcett was snoring loudly on the last flight. How do people not know they are snorers? Do they not care that their snoring is annoying others? Annoying.

11:08 am

God. Stupid lady is the slowest eater on the planet. I've never seen someone take as small of bites as she does. She might be done by the time we get to Sacramento. On a sidenote, she also appears to have an iPad. She has officially become my arch nemesis.

11:19 am

Apparently Ms. Buffet (no relation to Jimmy Buffet) is a Wastey McWasterson. She ate about half of her sandwich and a fourth of her salad. Normally I would frown heavily upon this, but I have too much pee in me to be judgmental at the moment. I wait for her to pack up her garbage and then crack a joke about too much Starbucks and needing to get up. Neither Wastey McWasterson nor Snorey McSnorerson crack a smile. Whatever. I have not yet given YOU rude looks for your annoying behaviors so too bad so sad for you that I have to pee.

11:20 am

Ahhhhhh, relief.

11:25 am

Settled back in for the duration. Flight attendant is walking down the aisle collecting "rubbish." Someone (probably another idiot) asks her a question I don't hear. She says rubbish sounds so much more lovely than trash. I love her immediately. Ok, time for a nap.

12:57 pm

God, I'm like a toddler. If there were sleeping Olympics, I'd be a gold medalist. I hate airplane air. I'm so dryyyyy. My contacts are suction cupped to my eyes. My nose holes are dry. My mouth is dry. Yay, here comes the flight attendant with some juice!

1:03 pm

Bwhaha. Suction cup lenses have cleared up. Lady across the aisle is asleep and looks like a frog waiting for some flies to land in her mouth. Dying.

1:17 pm

Ugh. Annoying man 3 rows behind me WON'T. SHUT. UP! He's talking (stupidly) about politics & religion. He's annoying. I shouldn't hear you this loud in my seat. Where's my iPod?

1:23 pm

Curse you aqua scum! My iPod is dead. I thought it was charged. Apparently I was gravely wrong. I'll have to use my iPhone. Hope it doesn't die before I get to Chico.

2:15 pm

Thank god we're landing. I'm over this flight.

2:38 pm

Damn you Aunt Flo! I just landed and NOW you come to visit? Bitch.

2:47 pm

Sunshine! Yay!


kris said...

Oh my god.

This was hilarious.

I love you.

That is all.

Ben said...

That is brilliant!
Travel can be such fun. Ohh the planes and the airports, my favourite!!
Also I can't beleive how awful all the American carriers are!!! I do like Air New Zealand and Qantas

Lindsay Briggs said...

American carriers are the pits. They've slowly downgraded themselves in a race to the bottom. Now I just choose based on least horrible and who I already have the most miles on. But seriously, everywhere else is better. They treat you like actual human beings. So much better.

Lynn MacDonald said...

This reminds me of a post I was going to write on thought bubbles. I didn't write it but now I want to.

I totally enjoyed this as we all think this way! Glad this one made you come Kris!

Blue Moon Girl said...

Here thanks to the amazing Kris at Pretty All True!

So glad I visited! Hilarious! I could read this all day long and never get bored! So. Funny.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, LOVED it!

Your writing style is wonderful. Funny and wonderful and awesome!

Stasha said...

Stopping by via Kris at Pretty All True.

You are freaking funny!

Traveling by plane is people watching at it's best!

Hee hee!

Renee said...

Stopped via PrettyAllTrue.
This is awesome! I'm so glad I stopped by.

PBJdreamer said...

Stopping by from Kris.

Funny description. I always try to get the dang aisle so I won't have to be a pain when I need to get up.

I hate Delta and United.

My fav airline is VIRGIN

loved the pics!

That is all