Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Although I mostly deal with anxiety on a daily basis, on occasion I get bogged down with depression. But it's often not a deep-I-can't-get-out-of-bed depression, but much more of a melancholy-what's-the-point kind of depression. I've been there for about a week or so. 

 

I'm not entirely sure what caused it...maybe because I had to lecture about abortion...which although it's one of my most important lectures and one that I get a lot of positive feedback from students about...it's just a draining not-so-fun topic that I have to cover. I worry about students freaking out and going all "BABY KILLERS!" in the middle of class, worry that I'm being too preachy-too liberal and not presenting the information in as neutral a way I can as possible...and it drains me. My teaching style is very much one of letting students figure out their own feelings, morals and values about topics and not shoving things down their throat. So while I am wildly pro-choice, I try as best as possible to not be the shouty scary feminist that turns off students from the message. I believe in attracting bees with sugar. But it takes a lot of effort. 

 

Actually it might have more to do with all the political hubbub in Indiana. Day after day after day of people debating whether or not it's ok to shun you is mentally and emotionally exhausting. So exhausting that that's all I'm going to say about that for now. I'll write more about it later. 

The weather here has also been weird. Raining, cloudy, cold, tornado warning the other day. After weeks of sunshine and warmth this feels like a step back. And that usually hurts my moods. I don't want to take off my sandals and put my sweaters back on! 

My therapist has been out sick for a couple weeks. Not having my weekly therapy sessions is a drag. Not that anything major has been coming up for me that I NEED to process with her, but there's something calming and reassuring about checking in with her each week. It gives me a stability that I worry I can't maintain on my own sometimes. 

The hard part about the melancholy is making sure it doesn't spiral out of control into larger fatalistic moods. Those are much harder to rebound and recover from. I'm getting better at reaching out to my support system when I start to feel that happening. I used to keep it all bottled up inside. Or would suffer needlessly because I couldn't stand to burden anyone. So when I realized that I was spiraling to the "OMG WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION AND I CAN'T MADE GOOD CHOICES ANYMORE" I knew I had to reach out to one of my most favorite melancholic confidantes because she'd know exactly what I was feeling and would be able to help me find perspective. It's lucky that my friends and I rarely fall of the edge of sanity at the same time. There's always one of us to support the other(s) when shit starts to get too real. 

And then I talked to my lovely, neverendingly patient partner. Who listens and doesn't judge. Who seeks to understand and doesn't strike out. Who reflects and responds rather than scolds and blames. Lord she's the best. 

And now here I am blogging two days in a row. Maybe the fog is lifting. I hope so.

I Miss Rain

http://darkroom-cdn.s3.amazonaws.com/2013/05/AFP_Getty-519905378.jpg

Never in the history of ever did I think I would ever say I miss rain. Don't get me wrong; I love sun. I love warmth. I love living in NorCal. But every once in a while, a nice thunderstorm or a heavy rain would be nice. The worst part of living in one of the sunniest places on earth (no, for real - Chico is halfway between Redding & Sacramento) is that without even looking at the weather forecast, I know that it isn't going to rain tomorrow. Or next week. Or even next month. In fact, it probably won't rain until December. Months to go. Sometimes when you're feeling like a day off from sun, or want to sit around listening to sad music, or just want to lounge and watch the rain...you know it won't be happening here. Terrible problem to have, right? Too much sun! Ha! Most days I'm totally fine with this...just every once in a while I would like a summer rainstorm.

Don't even think I'll say I miss snow, because that will NEVER happen. I'll take 365 days of sun over snow. Brrr.

365: Mini Mudslide

And I don't mean the yummy drink.

It rained like WHOA last night. It actually woke me up at one point. No thunder, no lightening, no hail...just loud ass rain. I laid there for a while hoping that the steep canyon behind our house wouldn't decide to move it, move it.

Today I counted 15 "waterfalls" on my 2 mile trip up to the highway. Some were in dry run off areas and some were just randomly popping out of the canyon walls. When I came home this evening most of them were still running...lighter flow but still running.

On the canyon wall on the way up our driveway there was a mini-mudslide. It's about 20 feet across by 20 feet high. Let's hope this is the worst slide we get around here! We have several more days ahead of rain!

365: Morning View

Out for a crisp morning walk with the dogs. Snow on the ridge, steam rising up from the warm ground. Gorgeous morning! I'm just feeling so happy today.

365: The Sun Came Out to Play

Thankfully the sun decided to make an appearance today. It's been raining every. single. day. of my dad & stepmom's trip to CA. A little deflating for them. But today the weather cooperated all day and we got to take a walk, go to the farmers market and have lunch outside! Hopefully the same weather happens tomorrow!

365: The Father Ship Has Arrived

My dad and stepmom arrived at Camp Awesome today! We chose to have a relaxing day and evening at the camp since they've been on the go, go, go since they've arrived in California. We even got them to play a game of A to Z! All in all a good first day visit even if it has been raining the entire time they've been here!

365: Perils of a Chico Winter

I don't think it's rained yet when there hasn't been a billion mile an hour wind blowing. I spend just as much time fighting to keep my umbrella turn right side in as I spend using my umbrella to block actual rain. I'm getting used to rain blown hair and the feeling of sogginess. At least it's better than snow!!!

365: And So It Begins...

Ange and I have been warmed that the heretofore nonstop gorgeous weather was an anomaly and that it would start raining soon. We chose to ignore them. It's only rained 3 times in the 6 months we've lived here.

Today we can no longer live in denial. It has rained all day. Gray skies, puddles, the whole shebang. I had a lot of walking around campus to do today. By the time I got home I had frozen prune-cicles instead of feet.

Anyway, it's better than snow!

365: Rain, Rain Go Away

And take this icky day with you. It's been crap from the time we got up to the time we got home. NEXT PLEASE.

Rain Rain Doh Doh*

* When my cousin was little she had some speech delays. One of the ways the pediatrician suggested helping promote speaking was singing songs. Her interpretation of "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day!" was "Rain, rain, doh, doh." She's totally normal now. Well...as normal as anyone in our family can be.

It's rained every day that I've been here except 2 I think. And as a reminder I've been here 59 days. It's rainy season so it's not a surprise, but seriously, Seattle has nothing on Nigeria. At least during the rainy season.

Rain here is different than in the US for a number of reasons.

1. The rain here sounds different. You can hear it trying to sneak up on you like a toddler learning how to tiptoe. It moves swiftly but has a distinctive sound that can stop you in the middle of a sentence so you can tilt your head and say "Rain is coming." Because most of the roofs here are metal and there is no need for insulation because it's never cold (and it would just get wet, moldy and infested anyway) the rain sounds different. If you are in a low roof building it can be incredibly loud when it's the middle of a downpour. So loud, in fact, that your conversations almost rise to shouting levels.

2. Rain is incapacitating here. The rain can be SO heavy SO fast that it's like instant flash flood level rain. Add that to the fact that there isn't much infrastructure for drainage and the like you quite literally have streets that become completely impassable within minutes of rain starting. And even if it only rains for a little while, it will rain again before the area has time to dry up. If it's raining really hard you know that whatever event or destination you are heading to will be delayed substantially. Hours even. Considering the major modes of transportation for the majority of people consist of either your feet or a motorbike you can see how people can't get places when it rains.

3. Leaky roofs are the norm and nothing to be concerned about. Due to both craftsmanship issues and harsh environmental conditions most buildings have leaks in them. When it rains hard or for hours on end the trusty standby buckets get dragged out and placed under the leaks to catch the water. No one bats an eye. It's just common and expected.

4. Rain is mostly a joyful events, even days on end. In the US we get cranky if it rains more than two days in a row. Here there is much greater perspective on rain. When it's rainy season people are grateful because they know it is feeding the ground for the plants and food that need it very much. You rarely hear anyone complaining about how the rain ruined their plans and is causing too many problems. It's a refreshing attitude and one I will try to keep when I am home in my comfy house with no roof leaks in the US.

5. My favorite, favorite thing about rain is that it keeps everything cooler and helps with pest control. As long as it keeps raining bugs tend not to reproduce (they hatch AFTER rainy season) and it stays nice and cool. In fact the past week has been particularly chilly. I had goosebumps in church the other day because it was so chilly and for almost the past week I've had to turn my air conditioner off at night because it's been too cold for it.