Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Ok this really has nothing to do with lying but I needed a catchy title. 

So Nigeria is a former British Colony. Many things in Nigeria are still impacted by this, namely the school system organization as well as language. I forget this fact usually until something funny happens. Like when I tell everyone in the world that my underwear is too big and baggy.

So yeah. In Nigeria they call underwear "pants" and they call what we call pants "trousers." I've lost quite a bit of weight and my pants/trousers are getting very lose and baggy. Well my underwear is too but that's not what I would usually tell anyone. So when people tell me I've "reduced" (which means lost weight in Nigeria) I say yes but I am not sure how much because I haven't weighed myself but I can tell because all of my pants are baggy. When I realize my error I usually say "Oops, I mean trousers!" and laughter ensues. If I don't remember then well they probably think I'm strange for telling them my underwear a big and baggy. Hahaha.

Cross Cultural Sex Education

As I’ve mentioned previously, pretty much everyone knows I’m the “sex scientist” around here or the weird American lady who’s always talking about sex. But of course, since most people secretly want to know more information about sex (and just won’t admit it) I get a lot of private one-on-one conversations with people about the topic. I was hanging out with 2 friends the other day talking about this and that and they asked me about my research and how it was going (e.g. not at all). These two friends said they would like to know more about my research so I was asking them some of the questions I ask in my interviews. The first question is “Tell me what you think about abstinence.” This usually ranges from what they think about it personally to what is the meaning of it. This conversation became very intense around the definition of abstinence.

Before I go further I have to say that these 2 friends are quite opposite. Friend 1 (F1) is very sexually naïve and not experienced at all. Friend 2 (F2) is much more knowledgeable and I believe (though can’t confirm) is much more experienced.

So I say “what does abstinence mean?” F1 says “not having sex.” So I say “All kinds of sex?” and F1 says “I’m sorry Aunty Lindsay, but is there more than one kind of sex? I don’t know what you mean.” Oh goodie. This should be fun. So I say “Yes, there are different kinds of sex. Would you like me to tell you about them?” And she said yes. So I said “First there is vaginal sex, which is what you probably are thinking about when I say sex. But there is also anal sex.” And F1 says “I don’t know what that means. Can you explain it more.” So I say “That is when a man puts his penis into your bumbum (which is what Nigerians call the butt).” I seriously wish I would have had a camera to capture the look of horror and disbelief on her face. She shrieks “WHAT? Why would someone do something SO DISGUSTING???” So I go into non-judgmental educator mode and explain why some people think it is pleasurable and how some people like to experiment and spice up their sex lives. After a lengthy discussion F1 says “Aunty Lindsay, you have failed to present any reasonable explanations for why someone would do this. I could understand why if there was a benefit of some kind, like maybe it made you stronger or healthier but you didn’t. If my future husband asked me to do something like that I would think he had lost his mind.” In the meantime F2 had remained quiet about this and F1 turns to her and says “Did you know about this?” and F2 says “Yes.” F1 tries to remain insistent that it is an American practice and Nigerians DO NOT engage in this behavior. I assured her she was incorrect and F2 backed me up. Hopefully we have not scarred her for life.

So then she says “Are there any other kinds of sex I don’t know about?” And of course I had to break the news that yes there were. So then I explained oral sex. Again, horror. Her main thought was that your “private parts” are the dirtiest, filthiest parts of your body so why would anyone put their mouth on them? I assured her that your private parts are actually very clean and as long as you bathe regularly there is no harm. She remained unconvinced and again declared this as something Nigerians do not do (wrong again).

The next day when I saw her she told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about our disgusting conversation. She said she was brushing her teeth that morning and she almost threw up because she kept thinking about it. The even funnier thing about this all is that she is always telling me she wants to marry an American man (or perhaps a white European). After this conversation I asked her about her feelings on this topic and if it affected her desire to marry a white guy. She assured me should would find one of the “non-disgusting white men” to marry. She kills me, she’s so funny. All in all I guess I would consider the education session a win. Even if I can’t convince her to be less judgmental of a variety of sexual behaviors she is at least now aware and can hopefully build a successful relationship with someone who shares her opinion on these sexual behaviors. I hope she finds the non-disgusting man of her dreams.

Christmas in October

Alternative Title: America in a Box

My lovely partner Ange and dear sister Leslie put together the most wonderful care package in the world which I received on Saturday. L went back to the State for a few weeks and I had asked her if it would be ok if I had some of my peeps send her a shipment that she could check as excess luggage on her way back. Being the lovely person she is she said no problem. So I sent a list of goods and instructions for sending it to L and hoped and waited for several weeks. 

The wait was worth it.

Ange did all of the "easy" shopping, e.g. I needed more soap, hairspray, etc. Leslie was called in to help with the more difficult things which are mostly presents for my lovely extended host family here in Nigeria. Ange does not like to shop for things in which she has to make stylistic choices. So if I say "buy a necklace" it turns into a long list of questions about what kind of necklace should be bought. Luckily my lovely sister is like me and LOVES to shop and has impeccable taste so I knew she could handle that part of the list with ease. They arranged for a little shopping excursion and after a few phone calls of clarification finished up the hard part of the list. Ange had a few finishing touches to get and then she shipped it off across the country where it waited happily to be packed into a bag and dragged halfway around the world into my opening and eager arms. 

Since I had lots of gifts in my luggage I couldn't share in the immediate joy of ripping my stuff open. I took my bag to my room and had a private party. It was so much fun even by myself. Even stuff I knew was coming was fun to pull out and look at. It was like a little (or big really - 38 lbs. worth of stuff) box of America all wrapped up for me. I was of course super excited about all the new goodies for me but I was equally excited at looking all the stuff my sister and Ange picked out as gifts. I LOVE to give gifts and it was so hard to put them safely away to wait until I leave. I wanted to run screaming out of my room and say "LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU MY LOVELY FRIENDS AND NIGERIAN FAMILY!" but that would make my leaving anti-climatic so I had to just enjoying them for a few minutes and then pack them away. It was so nice to see familiar American goods and things I haven't seen in months. I just wanted to roll around in everything.

Anyway, it was just what I needed to perk me up. Things have been generally not good at all here for the past few weeks so this was a shining piece of brightness in the dark pit of doom I've felt like I've been living in. So thank you babe and thank you sis for taking the time to send me some love. I needed it.

Please Don’t Kill Me Mr. Lightbulb

As I have mentioned previously, electricity in Nigeria is kind of scary. I’ve recently developed a phobia of light bulbs. When I first moved into my new room a few months ago, the light bulb above my bed was burned out. A left me a spare light bulb and said I should change it since it was above my bed and she didn’t want to step on my bed to change it. After she left I got up and changed it. Now let me give you a close up of what this light socket looks like:

Yeah, sketch ball central, but trust me…this is how almost all lights look in Nigeria. Random wires hanging loosely from the ceiling and a dangling bulb. So after I changed the bulb I went to turn on the light and test it out. Whoa. Sparks flying, smoke coming off the wires, scary! I quickly turned it off and said a little prayer that the short didn’t start a fire in the wood ceiling. I waited a while and after no flames came shooting out I decided to turn on the fan to dissipate some of the smoke. Now the fan is in the same area as the dangly bulb. Apparently when I was changing the bulb I pulled it down further than it normally is, so when I turned on the fan it started violently whacking the bulb. Luckily I shut it off before there were glass shards all over my bed. Eventually an electrician came and fixed the bulb and all is fine in that part of the room.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and I turned on the light in the bathroom and the bulb blew. Since it was dark and I was tired I decided not to worry about the bulb and just change it in the morning. So this morning I climbed up on the tub and changed the bulb. However, I have to mention the bulbs here are different than bulbs in the US. They don’t screw in like ours. They have two little nubbins you have to line up in slots and twist. 

But of course all of the light sockets are hard to twist so I’m never really sure that they are secure. Today, this bulb was not secure. About 10 minutes after I changed it came crashing down into the tub. Scared me to death of course.  And then I walked into the bathroom and realized that the bulb had shattered completely in the tub. I wasn’t sure if I should be happy about that since it didn’t go ALL over the bathroom but was contained to one area, or worried since it shattered in the one place I am typically barefoot. Anyway, I cleaned up the bulb, changed the new bulb (and tried to make sure it REALLY was in securely but I’m still not convinced), and took a shower with flip flops on (which is perilous in and of itself, but that’s another story for another day).

Watching The Duchess: A Cultural Experience

 

Since I was sick all weekend I didn't do much but lay around, internet and match movies. A came over to my room one evening and we decided to watch a movie. We watched The Duchess starring Keira Knightly and Ralph Fiennes. Overall we both very much enjoyed the movie, but in addition to the actual story line I also enjoyed watching the movie with A because of the cultural ride and insight it gave me. 

**Warning, if you've not seen the movie and don't want to read and spoilers, stop now**

The basic story line is that Keira Knightly is a girl from an aristocratic family who is married off to The Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes) who turns out to be a major jerk in the husband and father category. He rampantly cheats on her, blames her when she only has daughters, etc. She befriends a woman who is struggling with her own marital issues (Bess) and moves her into their estate. Bess and The Duke end of starting an affair. The Duchess demands he kick Bess out and he says no. At this point I am trying to remain within the norms of the time period and realize divorce really isn't an option but I'm so irritated by The Duke I'm thinking of all sorts of ways for her to get back at him. In the midst of all this happening The Duchess rekindles her friendship with her teenage crush and so I say "Ok, she should totally sleep with him. Fair is fair." A on the other hand, being both Nigerian and a very conservative Christian, says "Oh Lindsay, that wouldn't help the situation. She would have to bear that sin and that would just make her life worse. She'll just have to manage the situation and find wisdom to deal with her husband." Hmm, interesting perspective. Eventually Bess ends up being like a second wife to the Duke, which as you can imagine is torture to The Duchess, and so the Duchess proposes a deal with the Duke that she can have an affair with her lover and he can have Bess live with him but they'll hold up the appearances that they are happily married. The Duke basically says "do as I say, not as I do" and then beats and rapes her. The Duchess sneaks off on vacation and starts her affair anyway, but her husband finds out and threatens to kick her out and never let her see her kids again. He tells her she has to move back in with him and Bess and just deal with it. At this point I am ready to forget social customs and all and am like "Heck no! She should seriously divorce him!!!" A steadfastly argues against that saying that divorce is just not possible and that a woman cannot leave her husband no matter how miserable he makes her. At this point I'm like "SERIOUSLY?" So even though her husband is forcing her to live in some weird polygamous marriage against her will, it would still be better to stay married and "manage" and use "wisdom" to figure out how to handle the situation? Wow is all I could say. 

It really put some things in perspective for me. No matter how crappy your husband might be, many Christian Nigerian women would stick it out. Very interesting indeed. I would be interested to know how she felt about watching the movie with me, as an American, but I don't know if she intensely analyzed the scenario as much as me. After all, she was there for the entertainment, and not as the constant researcher I seem to be.

Anyway, the movie was really good. I recommend it. Even if you don't have a buddy to watch it with like me.

Culture of Corruption

The other night I was hanging out with one of my friends and I was reading an article on CNN about how Nigeria is one of the biggest oil producers in the world, and yet, they have some of the lowest consumption rates of energy in Africa because of the failure of the government to turn Nigeria’s wealth into practical solutions for the population. Now my friend is fiercely nationalistic. She loves Nigeria with a burning passion and can’t stand to hear negative things about Nigeria, even if they are largely true and commonly agreed upon. This always makes for very interesting discussions.

We were talking about the major problems with Nigeria and how they can be fixed. As it typical of many Nigerians her only solution to Nigeria’s woes is to “pray that God helps us.” Which I think is the laziest most ridiculous solution in the world. And I let her know. It’s not to say that prayer is not something she should do, but to rely on this as your only method to solve the very big problems of your country is just flat out ridiculous. Even if God decided to help Nigeria but snapping his finger and changing things, people still have free will and can continue to muck it up. Prayer will only help when paired with actions to back it up. And I told her all this. Her response is “Well what can we do? We are powerless.” I disagree that Nigerians are powerless though I do realize that starting a massive political movement is unlikely to be fruitful. The ruling party is very powerful, police and military are very corrupt and that is usually a recipe for chaos and civil unrest. However, I said that doesn’t mean there aren’t solutions that Nigerians can figure out in order to help the country. Nigerians need to figure out how to help themselves and their country. She remained doubtful.

I then mentioned that most Nigerians tend to blame only the leadership of the country for being so corrupt, which they are, but they are not the only ones. In fact, corruption runs from the very top to the very bottom in Nigeria. Whether it is cheating someone in the market, lying about any numerous things or cheating on an exam corruption is present everywhere. It is a part of daily life. My friend refused to acknowledge much of this and also said it is different than what the government leaders are doing. It is because everyone finds it acceptable to lie and cheat that the leaders don’t feel bad robbing the people of millions and billions of dollars. Sure it is on a much larger scale but it is still the same principle. She vehemently disagreed and therein lies our problem. Until all Nigerians acknowledge that corruption happens everywhere and that everyone is responsible for changing their own person behavior then Nigeria is going to continue to suffer with corruption and poor leadership. Things will continue to get worse rather than better, and that makes me very, very sad. Nigeria CAN be a great country, but right now I feel that they are lost. It is going to take a major cultural shift in how things are done and what is considered acceptable behavior and practices in this society.

Blah

I haven't had much to post as of late so the blog has really slowed down. I'm in a funk. I still don't have approval to continue with the last part of my study (interview students). A lot of people are out of town. I have been doing almost nothing for the past week. I was also sick. So yeah, not much to post and little motivation to write anything reflective and interesting. Hopefully things change soon.