Fun Fact Friday: ...but Fat is SCARY!

Here's some stats for you to chew on from the hosts of Fat Talk Free Week:

• 54% of women would rather be hit by a truck than be fat
• More than 90% of girls ages 15 to 17, want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance, with body weight ranking the highest
• 81% of ten year olds are afraid of being fat
• 1 out of 8 adolescent girls reported starving themselves to lose weight
• 67% of women 15-64 withdraw from life-engaging activities like giving an opinion, going to school and going to the doctor because they feel badly about their looks
• 40% of moms tell their adolescent daughters to diet; 45% of these are of average weight
• 70 million people worldwide struggle with eating disorders
• In the US, as many as 10 million are suffering from anorexia or bulimia; that's more than are suffering from breast cancer

Why are we SO afraid of fat? So afraid that we would rather be hit by a truck rather than be fat?? Or engage in life-threatening disordered eating patterns to avoid being fat???

This is a harder question to answer. I can tell you where all the messages of body and fat hate are coming from, what incorrect facts they state, the ways in which fat bodies are punished for being fat, and how hard it is to keep a brave face in the midst of it all...but WHY everyone is so scared of fat is much harder to grasp.

Some people will point to the erroneous belief that fat means unhealthy means chronic disease and death, but even that is an incomplete picture. When people are degrading fat people in social situations it's rarely about their health. It's often about the prejudices, stereotypes and bigotry people hold towards fat bodies.

There are commonly held ideas that fat people are lazy, gross, lacking in willpower, dumb, ugly, awkward, survivors of trauma, and the list goes on and on. Social norms have led us to cement these stereotypes with fat bodies to the point that many of us forget that these are TOTALLY MADE UP and that we as a society created these labels and they do not actually reflect reality. There is no evidence that being fat means you're lazy. Or ugly. Or gross. However, this perception of this made up reality is important. Because once we start to believe this reality our brains will do anything it can to avoid being associated with these negative characteristics. Who want's to be called lazy, gross, dumb, etc.? No one! So step one to avoiding being called those names would be to get rid of the first "easy" association people have, e.g. a fat body. Now you might still be all of those things, but people won't be able to necessarily tell if you at least have a thin body!

People think (theoretically) that they can change their bodies, even if they can't change many other things about themselves. Anyone who has been discriminated against based on visual cues and information probably have wished at times they could change those visuals. I've heard countless friends of color express times in their lives where they wished they could wake up with white skin, even if just to experience blending in and not having to experience discrimination for one single day. Luckily, I have rad friends and they move past that or it's only a temporary thought, because they have been surrounded by communities of people that tell them it's ok to be black, Asian, Mexican, etc. Unfortunately we don't have that overwhelming source of body loving pride...YET. But that's why the fat acceptance and radical body loving communities that are emerging are so important. There will always be hate directed at people for their differences, but if we can continue to build communities that love and support ALL sizes and really embrace the belief that bodies not only come in different colors and abilities but also in a diverse representation of sizes we might start to win this war against bodies. The first step is disentangling these negative stereotypes about fat bodies that we hold. Fat people are no more likely to be lazy, stupid, gross or any other negative characteristic than a thin person. The only thing a fat person is more likely to be is fat. That's all. And there is NOTHING wrong with fat. It isn't poisonous. It doesn't make you dumb. It doesn't make you sick. We have to shift the focus away from bodies and how they look and start dealing with reality!

Next week I'll tell you why you're losing the battle against your body and plant the seed on why you should work on loving and accepting it instead!

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Ok this really has nothing to do with lying but I needed a catchy title. 

So Nigeria is a former British Colony. Many things in Nigeria are still impacted by this, namely the school system organization as well as language. I forget this fact usually until something funny happens. Like when I tell everyone in the world that my underwear is too big and baggy.

So yeah. In Nigeria they call underwear "pants" and they call what we call pants "trousers." I've lost quite a bit of weight and my pants/trousers are getting very lose and baggy. Well my underwear is too but that's not what I would usually tell anyone. So when people tell me I've "reduced" (which means lost weight in Nigeria) I say yes but I am not sure how much because I haven't weighed myself but I can tell because all of my pants are baggy. When I realize my error I usually say "Oops, I mean trousers!" and laughter ensues. If I don't remember then well they probably think I'm strange for telling them my underwear a big and baggy. Hahaha.

Watching The Duchess: A Cultural Experience

 

Since I was sick all weekend I didn't do much but lay around, internet and match movies. A came over to my room one evening and we decided to watch a movie. We watched The Duchess starring Keira Knightly and Ralph Fiennes. Overall we both very much enjoyed the movie, but in addition to the actual story line I also enjoyed watching the movie with A because of the cultural ride and insight it gave me. 

**Warning, if you've not seen the movie and don't want to read and spoilers, stop now**

The basic story line is that Keira Knightly is a girl from an aristocratic family who is married off to The Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes) who turns out to be a major jerk in the husband and father category. He rampantly cheats on her, blames her when she only has daughters, etc. She befriends a woman who is struggling with her own marital issues (Bess) and moves her into their estate. Bess and The Duke end of starting an affair. The Duchess demands he kick Bess out and he says no. At this point I am trying to remain within the norms of the time period and realize divorce really isn't an option but I'm so irritated by The Duke I'm thinking of all sorts of ways for her to get back at him. In the midst of all this happening The Duchess rekindles her friendship with her teenage crush and so I say "Ok, she should totally sleep with him. Fair is fair." A on the other hand, being both Nigerian and a very conservative Christian, says "Oh Lindsay, that wouldn't help the situation. She would have to bear that sin and that would just make her life worse. She'll just have to manage the situation and find wisdom to deal with her husband." Hmm, interesting perspective. Eventually Bess ends up being like a second wife to the Duke, which as you can imagine is torture to The Duchess, and so the Duchess proposes a deal with the Duke that she can have an affair with her lover and he can have Bess live with him but they'll hold up the appearances that they are happily married. The Duke basically says "do as I say, not as I do" and then beats and rapes her. The Duchess sneaks off on vacation and starts her affair anyway, but her husband finds out and threatens to kick her out and never let her see her kids again. He tells her she has to move back in with him and Bess and just deal with it. At this point I am ready to forget social customs and all and am like "Heck no! She should seriously divorce him!!!" A steadfastly argues against that saying that divorce is just not possible and that a woman cannot leave her husband no matter how miserable he makes her. At this point I'm like "SERIOUSLY?" So even though her husband is forcing her to live in some weird polygamous marriage against her will, it would still be better to stay married and "manage" and use "wisdom" to figure out how to handle the situation? Wow is all I could say. 

It really put some things in perspective for me. No matter how crappy your husband might be, many Christian Nigerian women would stick it out. Very interesting indeed. I would be interested to know how she felt about watching the movie with me, as an American, but I don't know if she intensely analyzed the scenario as much as me. After all, she was there for the entertainment, and not as the constant researcher I seem to be.

Anyway, the movie was really good. I recommend it. Even if you don't have a buddy to watch it with like me.

Culture of Corruption

The other night I was hanging out with one of my friends and I was reading an article on CNN about how Nigeria is one of the biggest oil producers in the world, and yet, they have some of the lowest consumption rates of energy in Africa because of the failure of the government to turn Nigeria’s wealth into practical solutions for the population. Now my friend is fiercely nationalistic. She loves Nigeria with a burning passion and can’t stand to hear negative things about Nigeria, even if they are largely true and commonly agreed upon. This always makes for very interesting discussions.

We were talking about the major problems with Nigeria and how they can be fixed. As it typical of many Nigerians her only solution to Nigeria’s woes is to “pray that God helps us.” Which I think is the laziest most ridiculous solution in the world. And I let her know. It’s not to say that prayer is not something she should do, but to rely on this as your only method to solve the very big problems of your country is just flat out ridiculous. Even if God decided to help Nigeria but snapping his finger and changing things, people still have free will and can continue to muck it up. Prayer will only help when paired with actions to back it up. And I told her all this. Her response is “Well what can we do? We are powerless.” I disagree that Nigerians are powerless though I do realize that starting a massive political movement is unlikely to be fruitful. The ruling party is very powerful, police and military are very corrupt and that is usually a recipe for chaos and civil unrest. However, I said that doesn’t mean there aren’t solutions that Nigerians can figure out in order to help the country. Nigerians need to figure out how to help themselves and their country. She remained doubtful.

I then mentioned that most Nigerians tend to blame only the leadership of the country for being so corrupt, which they are, but they are not the only ones. In fact, corruption runs from the very top to the very bottom in Nigeria. Whether it is cheating someone in the market, lying about any numerous things or cheating on an exam corruption is present everywhere. It is a part of daily life. My friend refused to acknowledge much of this and also said it is different than what the government leaders are doing. It is because everyone finds it acceptable to lie and cheat that the leaders don’t feel bad robbing the people of millions and billions of dollars. Sure it is on a much larger scale but it is still the same principle. She vehemently disagreed and therein lies our problem. Until all Nigerians acknowledge that corruption happens everywhere and that everyone is responsible for changing their own person behavior then Nigeria is going to continue to suffer with corruption and poor leadership. Things will continue to get worse rather than better, and that makes me very, very sad. Nigeria CAN be a great country, but right now I feel that they are lost. It is going to take a major cultural shift in how things are done and what is considered acceptable behavior and practices in this society.

Germs, Germs & More Germs

Well I am sick for the third time since I've arrived in Nigeria. Totally sucks, but I'm managing. I have another dumb cold. Hopefully I can wiz through this one faster than the last one. Getting sick for the third time in 11 weeks is unusual to me though I can easily attribute it to the germ warfare from which I am under assault on a daily basis. Shaking hands is a big thing here. It is customary to shake hands with your friends or acquaintances when you see then on a new day. That means every time I arrive at church I shake about 190813 hands, and then everyday at the University I shake another 20-50 hands, and randomly I see people elsewhere that necessitate a hand shake. And now that I've been here for almost 4 months people also feel comfortable enough to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. Oh how I love human contact (NOT).

While hand shaking has become all the rage, hand washing on the other hand...not so much. I mean, the majority of people wash their hands after using the bathroom, and they typically will at least rinse them before eating (often in a bowl of water that many people use so yeah, not terribly hygienic) but as I mentioned there is a lot of nose picking and other touching of things that goes on that often lead to germy, dirty hands. I actually got made fun of by the house girls for washing my hands so much! Like I was a complete weirdo for washing my hands after handling raw food or touching the garbage can. As much as I try and use my hand sanitizer, it seems like as soon as I am done applying some another person comes along and shakes my hand again (often with their sweaty, sticky hand that grosses me out). So try as I might I am often covered in lots of germs. Hence illness number 3 in Nigeria. 

However, the funny thing is, I was talking to two of the house girls this weekend and they informed me that I have a cold because I sleep with the air conditioner on and/or it is rainy season. We then had a lengthy discussion about germs and how a cold is caused by a virus and they said "Huh, interesting" and gave each other a look that said "Whatever, she totally has a cold because of the A/C." And without fail, no matter who notices I have a cold they ask if I've been to the doctor and if I am taking medicine for it. I've tried to have the discussion about antibiotics and viruses but most people quietly listen until I am done and then say "Well you should go get some drugs and take care of it." So most of the time now I just lie and say "Yes, I am taking drugs that I brought from America." Of course it's not a total lie but Nyquil and Tylenol aren't really what they are thinking when they say drugs.

Big White Aunty, Do You Like Nigerian Men?**

**Yes, someone actually shouted this at me at the market.

On Thursday A and I went shopping. She needed to get a dress sewn for the Church service on Friday and had arranged with her tailor to drop the material off early in the day and come back later in the evening. School was going to close down around noon anyway (Thanks to the Government declaring Thursday afternoon a sort of extension to the National Holiday) so I figured I'd skip out on my usual routine and go with Augusta instead. One of the drivers had the day off so F said his driver could drop us off but we'd have to find out way back. I was excited and up for the challenge. In every other place I've traveled public transport has been one of the more exciting parts of my daily routine. However, because of security issues here it's not always safe to rely on public transportation options. Luckily the M's are gracious hosts and usually are able to loan me a ride with one of their drivers to get me where ever I need to go. Since I've been here 11 weeks (almost at that point) and I've traveled here before we decided that on occasion I can do some running around without attracting too much attention to myself and getting in harm's way. I'd never go off by myself anyway and A is the perfect shopping companion.

So the driver took us to "New Benin" which is pretty far across the city from where we live. We arrived at the market and it was pretty chaotic. Much more chaotic than some of the smaller markets where we usually go. We made our way to her tailor and haggled with him for a while. A is the Queen of Haggling. She always gets the bottom dollar, well Naira. Her tailor is MUCH less expensive than the one I have been using. I'm sure some of it has to do with quality, but I'm also sure that A's tailor doesn't have many white clients and doesn't realize that he could probably make a lot more from me. A has a couple of really cute dresses & shirts that I said I'd like to also get so she was able to use me as a bargaining piece to get her one day custom order done for a deal. I am having 2 dresses and a shirt made (for almost the same price I just had my last ONE outfit made by the other tailor I am using). 

We then set out for the fabric market across the street so I could choose what colors I wanted. After wandering through the cramped stalls in the blazing heat I finally got what I needed and we headed back to the tailor so I could drop off my cloth. They will be ready in about a week. Another negative is that it's across town and the tailor I've been using lives right around the corner and will drop stuff off for me. I know, value added. But even going and fetching the clothes will be cheaper in the long run. And hey, I love to run around town anyway so really, it's like a bonus. The entire time we were walking around the market I was getting shouted to (not at) by nearly everyone. If someone was blind they could trace my steps through the market just listening to people lose their minds when they saw me. Tons of "White Lady!" or "Oweebo!" (which means white person in local language) and yes, even "Big White Aunty, do you like Nigerian men???" which made me giggle inside. When this happens I just pretend like I'm a draft horse with blinders on. I plod ahead and never look. Only once did someone say something that made me turn my head, and that's when some guy shouted an Ishan greeting at me. Ishan is the language that they speak in Uromi, where I have been doing medical work for the past 5 years. There is a substantial Ishan community in Benin but you would not normally hear that greeting just randomly. After I shouted back the appropriate response, without stopping my stride, I could hear wild peals of laughter as I continued one. I'm sure he didn't expect that one.

After we left there we wanted to go to this fancy store closer to our side of town so I could get some American goods. A asked if I minded stopping by a market off of Ring Road first (center of town) and if I didn't mind taking a public transport bus to get there. Public transport? Sign me up! So we went and caught a bus that was leaving for Ring Road. It cost us 20 Naira each ($0.13) and we stuffed ourselves in with the other 8 people already in the bus. Fun times.

We buzzed around the market for a bit and picked up a few things. I still had my "blinders" on and rudely snubbed a woman from church. I had to explain why I didn't hear her talking to me (i.e. I tuned her out completely) and she laughed. Then we decided to call the fancy taxi company that one of our friends uses to take us to our fancy store and then home. We negotiated a set price while we were on the phone, because once the driver saw who he was carrying (e.g. white woman) the price would likely double. They said it would be about 20 minutes before they got there so we ducked into a shoe shop that A was familiar with some we could "hide my white face." She was so cute. She was worried about people harassing me, although I'm sure some of it had to do with her own safety as well. The cab ended up taking FOREVER, no real shocker to me, but she was irritated. We finally walked down to the "bus depot" area where there are buses leaving for major cities (Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt, etc.) and stood another 10 minutes or so. I could tell A was getting nervous but I just tried to make small talk while of course keeping my eyes peeled just in case. 

Finally the cab picked us up and it was nice and air conditioned and in great shape. The cab driver was hilarious; a younger guy with some foul, foul music but a great sense of humor. We got to our luxury shop and apparently as we got out the driver told A to remind me to buy him something. The nerve! But it would apparently be rude to NOT buy him anything (even though he was like 45 later than he said he would be AND the cab was going to cost ME a pretty penny) so he got a dumb Coke. A apparently thought I was being cheap (so what???) and bought him some candy. Dumb social customs. We had fun shopping in the store and then headed home, but not before I almost snubbed another person from the University. Luckily I had let my guard down so I ended up just doing a double take and not completely ignoring him. 

All in all I'd say it was a pretty fantastic day. I got to use multiple modes of transportation, missing only a motorbike ride, which I can say right now is never going to happen. I've seen enough bikes crashed on the side of the road to be petrified of riding one, and frankly the thought of hiking up my skirt (which is 95% of what I wear here) and hopping on the back of a bike is less than appealing as well. Can't wait to do it again!

Oh! Sorry-o!

In my continuing chronicle of things that Nigerians say that strike me funny or different I want to talk about saying sorry. In the US we generally only say sorry if we did something to cause trouble, pain, etc. in someone's life. But here in Nigeria you say sorry for just about anything and everything that is less than hunky dory. And it's not just "sorry" it's "Oh! Sorry-o!" In Nigeria the adding of "-o" on many, many words is both a sign of sincerity and also a little bit of Pidgin English flair. This phrase is so common that I find myself doing and saying it non-stop like everyone else. The other day I was talking to Ange online and she said she was tired. My automatic response was "Sorry." And she was of course perplexed so I had to explain this whole thing to her. Here are some more examples for when sorry is appropriate:

Someone drops a pen? Oh! Sorry-0!

You say you had a bad night's sleep? Oh! Sorry-o!

You trip and almost fall all because you are clumsy? Oh! Sorry-o!

I hear this phrase at least once every day. Probably more. And it seems to have completely infiltrated my thought processes (as noted to the conversation above with Ange). But really, I don't mind. When I said sorry to Ange she told me not to say sorry unless I really meant it. Which of course I actually did. I was sorry that she was tired, because that is unfortunate especially given it was the middle of the day and I knew she had a lot more to do that day. It might be a different kind of sorry, but that's ok with me. I can still be empathetic-ally sorry for misfortunes in another person's life. I'd rather everyone be feeling well and spry and ready to take on the world. And if you are less than that, I may just say "Oh! Sorry-o!" Ok, well maybe I'll keep the "Sorry" part and drop the "Oh!" and "-o" parts. I don't want to totally confuse everyone!

Interpretive Dancing

I'll say one thing...if interpretive dancing were an Olympic sport (and I'm not talking about lame-o rhythmic gymnastics) the Nigerian's would win piles of gold medals every four years. I have seen more interpretive dancing in the past 9 weeks than I've probably seen in the rest of the years of my life combined.

Church service? Interpretive dance!

Conference? Interpretive dance!

Talent show? Interpretive dance!

There's even a family interpretive dance show akin to America's Got Talent that is very popular right now. A whole family competes and the judges have to guess what the dance was about. Kind of "Whose Line is It Anyway?" meets "So You Think You Can Dance" actually. And there's randomly some American lady on the judging panel. Bet she never guessed she'd be a TV star in Nigeria! It's totally hilarious.

The best part of the interpretive dancing is the very authentic, but not so much, imitation "ballet dancing" that most people seem to believe is mandatory for interpretive dancing. I feel like there is a hidden market for ballet dancing around here what with apparently everyone and literally their mother sitting around watching old ballet dancing videos and trying their very best to imitate them. Throw on some gospel music and you have an award winning production. No literally, the talent show at Church has like 50 contestants for the dance competition and every single one of them was a interpretive gospel ballet dance. Both single contestants and groups. Everyone REALLY LOVES interpretive dancing. I might have to throw together a little routine for my dissertation defense just so I feel like I am accurately representing my research.

Somehow & Anyhow

One of my favorite, favorite things about learning about new cultures is language. I'm no linguist by any means, but I very much enjoy thinking about and trying to understand language and it's use in cultures. Language can often give deeper insight into cultural differences that you wouldn't necessarily think about. It's also one of my biggest sources of laughter and amusement. The things that come out of people's mouths (both others to me as well as me to their ears) can cause hysterical fits and private jokes for weeks.

Two of my favorite partial phrases that Nigerians consistently use are "(something) is somehow" and "(something) just anyhow."

For example, tonight at dinner we had spaghetti. It tasted different than it usually does and someone remarked "This sauce is different. It tastes somehow." Which when you really think about it from an American perspective the second sentence is saying virtually the same thing as the first sentence, and really neither one are giving you any clue into how it is different. Often when I try to press someone on what they mean by this "somehow" I get no further. "What do you mean 'somehow'?" "I don't know, just somehow." You quickly learn to stop asking for more information because you know it won't get you anywhere.

As for the other one, one of the kids was giving a summary of a book he read and said about 5 times "The main point of the book is that you shouldn't spend your money just anyhow." This phrase is a little more clear...obviously you shouldn't just spend your money with wild abandon but "just anyhow" is still pretty vague and it's used in other contexts where it makes a less clear point.

For me, as a naturally inquisitive person and a qualitative researcher, this sheds light on one of the more frustrating cultural differences that I've noticed about living in Nigeria. It's very hard to get people to understand that I really, really & truly want them to describe this "somehow" or "anyhow." For me, it speaks to how Nigeria is much less concisely verbally expressive than the US and that less value is placed on exploring specific meanings of abstract concepts. This is not to say that Nigeria isn't expressive because Nigeria has some of the most beautiful art and music in the world. It's just a different style of expression, one that does not lend itself well to the type of information I am usually seeking. Often when someone does try to explain something to me it is filled with round about stories with metaphors and analogies and I'm left with a blank expression and hours of thinking to try and figure out exactly what the person was trying to tell me. I want and am looking for 2-3 sentences telling me a precise definition where they are looking to create a visual scene in my mind and some kind of holistic understanding of the topic of hand. It's one of the most challenging things I have to work on while I am here. In the beginning I used to zone out after a few minutes of what seemed like nonsensical rambling and then just pretending to understand what the heck they were trying to tell me, but now I'm getting better at following through the story and grand picture and usually get what the person is trying to express. I'm sure I still miss nuances, but overall I'm getting their meaning. And more importantly I've learned I can't just ask questions anyhow and that sometimes I just have to accept a non-descript somehow or two and make up a meaning for myself.

Boogers

Yeah, that's right, this post is about boogers. Ok, well maybe not boogers per se, but definitely about nose picking. Nose picking in Nigeria is very common place. You see it everywhere and pretty much it's not as taboo as in the US. And I'm not talking about children. I'm talking about EVERYONE. Adults, kids, teenagers, old people...pretty much you'll see any age engaging in some nose picking. And I'm not talking about a dainty little "oh I have something of the tip of my nose, I'll just rub it a bit." I'm talking full-on up to the second knuckle digging for gold nose picking. No efforts to hide it, no making it look less obvious, or even looking away from someone while it's going on. Nope, if there is a booger then it must be dug out IMMEDIATELY with the full force necessary to delodge it. And I won't even tell you what happens to the boogers once they are found. If you're lucky it involves a handkerchief...if not, stomach churns ahead.

Luckily I think this is a habit that is starting to change. You are much less likely to see this habit among the more educated, young adults and/or those who spend more time interacting with Western visitors. Perhaps someone along the way mentioned that it's considered impolite (and GROSS) to dig in your nose in public. However, as much as there are signs of progress on this social norm, I must report that just this past Sunday I saw someone digging their way through Church service. No shame whatsoever.

Thank you, Captain Obvious

So there is one thing that I can't quite seem to get used to no matter how many times I travel abroad. Well, I'm used to it in the sense that it doesn't shock me when it happens, but I'm not used to it in the fact that I still find it severely irritating even after all these years. This thing I'm talking about is the lack of politeness around pointing out people's flaws. It happened to me in China all the time...people would run up to me (and another girl in my group who was taller, but slightly thinner than me) and go "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO FAT! Can I take a picture with you?" usually followed by a pose with their arms stretched out to show how fat I was in comparison to them. Yes, thanks for that, I wasn't quite aware. Well, it happens here as well.

The two biggest things that have been commented on during this stay are two unusual moles/birthmarks that I have. The first one is this reddish raised mole/birthmark that I have near my hairline. It's really noticeable here because I always wear my hair pulled back since it is hot and humid and that equals pouffy hair for me if I keep it down. Oh and the fact that I'm blinding white and it is dark-ish red.

I swear, the first 2 weeks I was here no less than 3 people per day pointed it out. "Aunty Lindsay! What is that on your head???" or "Aunty Lindsay! Your head is bleeding!!!" And then we'd have a 5 minute discussion about what the heck a mole and/or birthmark is (not common on darker skin) and about a thousand reassurances that it was not bleeding, a bug bite, or something that would go away we'd be done. Until the next person noticed it. I have become so self conscious over the dumb thing that I am seriously considering going to a dermatologist when I get home to have it removed. It's never bothered me before but I'm seriously at the point where I want to shriek at the next person who points it out. Get over it already!!!

Now that I'm more chummy with people I get arms thrown around my neck more often. Either in a chummy "hey, how's it going?" way or in the form of a hug. Unluckily for me, I have a big gross mole on the back of my neck that protrudes out a bit and as one of the dear kids pointed out "wiggles when you touch it."


It's times like this that I think...ya know, living in a stuffy, overly polite society is kind of nice. At home the only people who can rip on me like that are my sisters. And at least I know it's done lovingly. Here it's just kind of out there, and is usually done in a way to tell you there is something wrong with you and maybe you should think about being less weird or doing something to improve yourself.

This is not to say that it only happens to me. It happens to everyone. Just today one of the kids told one of the housegirls that she should stop eating so much rice because her belly was looking fat like she was pregnant. Ah, how charming.

Something to chew on...

I've got some posts abrewin' about fat/weight/social commentary coming up, but until then and to start some thinking see this short message I got via the PostSecret community email this morning:

Hi Frank~

I attended your event in Kalamazoo, MI and I wanted to share a humbling story about that night. I was sitting fairly close and there was this overweight couple sitting in front of me that were hanging all over each other for most of the event. I was so distracted by all of their displays of affection I actually started to get annoyed. I think it was partly the displays themselves, and partly the fact that they were both on the heavy side and I was being judgmental.

When you asked for people to come up to the microphones, the woman stood up and was first in line. She said, "I have always had problems with confidence, but I have never felt more beautiful and confident than when I am with my husband." She then went back to her seat and sat beside him. He put his arm around here, whispered something in her ear and kissed her cheek.

Her secret resounded in my head, and at that moment, I wished I was her. I would trade my current 125 pound body with hers if it meant I could be as happy as she. I don`t know who she was and I will never see her again, but I want to thank her for teaching me a lesson that day.

Ponder that, and I'll get back to you soon.

A Short Rant About Lateness

I hate when people are late. More specifically, I hate when people are late and other people are waiting on them. It irritates me to no end.

I have had some friends at different points in my life that were chronically late. I'm talking 10 minutes (or sometimes more) nearly every time we would meet. And of course, not wanting to rude and inconsiderate of their time I couldn't bring myself to factor in an extra 10 minutes knowing they would be late because what if they weren't and they were waiting on me??? And every time they would be late there would be some lame excuse and "omg, it totally wasn't my fault." Right, it never is.

Here's the bottom line when people are late: when you are late (particularly chronically) you are basically saying to the person/people waiting on you that your time is more important than their time and obviously you had nothing better to do than wait on them.

Whether it's 10 minutes or a freaking half an hour (seriously, I've had some people who are consistently 30 MINUTES LATE) I think, you know...I could have used that extra time to sleep in, work on homework, finish doing something, or hell, just lay on the couch and relax! But instead I'm sitting here waiting on YOU. Luckily I'm pretty prepared and usually have a book in my purse or something creative I can come up with to do, but the point is, I shouldn't have to! Whatever you are doing is NOT more important than what I was doing when I budgeted my time wisely so I could meet you at the appointed time!

So people, please remember this when you are planning on meeting up with someone in the future. Not everyone likes to wait on you.

A Short Essay on Philanthropy

I have been thinking about this blog for some time. My call to action was an article featured recently in the Indianapolis Star which focused on the growing "problem" of panhandling at busy intersections of the city. (**Edit: the Indy Star article appears to have been removed, so here is something similar from WRTV albeit without the idiotic commentary) I have many, many thoughts on philanthropy as I am engaged in a gamut of philanthropic activities so this short essay is by no means exhaustive; it is merely a brief statement that I think is very current and relevant in these trying economic times.

Basically, it boils down to this. I think charity begins in your heart, and that it should be given without conditions and with full faith and goodwill. I will say, this applies mostly to small personal charity rather than larger corporate giving and the like. Clearly when we are talking about funds that reach the millions and billions of dollars there needs to be some oversight to ensure that charities and philanthropic organizations are making the best uses of their funds. But since most of us do not give in the millions and rather than in the dollars and cents I think the best outlook is the one I listed above.

While reading the above article in the Star I broke my personal promise and looked at the comments that you can leave on the articles. I've mentioned this before, but I really feel like that is the most unnecessary feature in online news media. I really don't care what "the common man" thinks about any given topic and I usually regret when I take a gander at them. Of course that was the case this time as well. Looking at the comments from my fellow Hoosiers I was struck by how mean and nasty some people are. It went from mundane comments like "Those bum should get jobs instead of standing on the side of the road begging for my hard earned American dollars!" to really ridiculous claims like "I've seen those lying wastes of society go from begging on the corner to walking to the nearby parking lot and getting in a brand new suped up SUV!" I very much doubt that that incident occurred, but was rather some made up claim to try and counter the "bleeding hearts" that dared defend these "bums." IndyStar commentators signify the very worst in our society and near cease to amaze me with how hateful people can be.

I have a little cubby on the left side of my car in between my window and steering wheel. I try and always keep a couple dollar bills stashed in the compartment in case I pull up next to a panhandler. Now in my case whenever I have pulled up next to a panhandler in my opinion they look like they could use a hand. I've never seen anyone who looks like they are getting ready to get into ANY car, much less some imagined fancy SUV. Sometimes I glance at their sign, but it doesn't really matter to me what their story is. Vet, mother of 3, homeless, down on their luck, I don't care. I can't think of anything more dehumanizing than standing on the side of the road and begging for money. I think it has to take an extremely humble person who's willing to lose all dignity to do that. I'm sure they get more hateful looks and shout outs than they do caring people. I try and pass them a buck or two if I am close enough that it is safe for them to walk up to my car. Sometimes I have to pull out change if I haven't restocked my dollar bills and I always feel bad about it. I usually apologize. I have never encountered anyone who has been rude to me. I am always encountered with somber eyes and usually a big "Thank You" and "God Bless." I never say anything more than a "You're welcome." I don't feel like I need to ask them any questions or give them any advice. What they do with the money is their business. Do I believe that every dollar I've given has gone to something "worthwhile" (money, rent, etc.) instead of something wasteful (alcohol, drugs, etc.)? No. Do I care? No. Do I hope that in some small way my few dollars have made their life easier and maybe a little less hard for a short bit? You bet. I can't even begin to imagine what their life is like. I don't know their history, their current issues, or anything at all about them except that there they are standing there next to my car. Even if they never think of me and my measly dollars again, I hope that just for a minute they realize that someone cares enough about them to not judge them, roll down their window and stick a few dollars into their hand. That might not seem like much, but I know that during times when I've felt down or when things have felt wretched it is the little signs of humanity that mean the most.

I believe that we should all strive to live as charitably and judgment free as possible. None of us are perfect and there will always been someone around to try and tell you who you are and what you are doing is wrong. Instead I would like to try and find the best in everyone and do things that I feel will build people up instead of bring them down. I give because I hope it will help someone out. If you don't feel like you can give because you do not want to encourage their behavior then that's fine too. Make your own choices. My choice is to do what I feel in my heart is the best option for me. I'm not doing anything heroic or life changing, but I do feel like I'm doing some small thing on behalf of humanity that matters.

Awkwardly Long Hugs

I'm not much of a touchy-feely person with just anyone in general. Obviously I'm lovey-dovey with my lovely Ange, but with my close family and friends I don't mind the random hug & kiss on the cheek but nothing crazy.

Sadly I have an aunt who is the Queen of the Awkwardly Long Weird (ALW) Hug. She likes to have "a moment" with you, maybe whisper some strange thing about how she's missed you or some random thing she wants to share during your shared intimate moment. I don't really like this aunt that much anyway, and luckily she doesn't live in Indy but every time I see her I have to brace myself for at least 2 ALW hugs.

I've noticed this for a while but never really mentioned it until last week during our family reunion. Of course, it was a family reunion so there was lots of hugging going on and she was doing it with everyone. So I leaned over to my sister Leslie and told her about it. She was then watching her and was like "DANG, she does hug everyone F O R E V E R." She reported after Ange & I left that she had like the World's Record long hug with one of our other relatives. She said she didn't think it would ever stop.

I don't know why some people think that it's a good idea to do this. A. I don't like you that much that I want to be pressed up against your body for that long. B. Let's not pretend like we're sharing a special moment when it's just some dumb fakey thing. C. Your breath is hot on the side of my face.

So another life lesson: Don't be that person. There will be people making fun of you.

A note about sunburns...

So as I mentioned in my Mutt Strutt blog, I got burned like hellllllllllll. Like a flaming lobster. Exhibit A:
This is me in Chicago with a baby burn. It started to fade...and then...Mutt Strutt:

Yikes I know. It hurts just as bad as it looks. But please, please, please....refrain from saying the following comments:

"OMG, what happened???"

Oh this? Um, I decided to airbrush myself to look like I was permanently wearing a white tank top.

"Geez! Have you ever heard of SUNSCREEN???"

What? What is that? Some revolutionary new product??? Must make mental note...study chemical properties...find out if it works.

These are the two things I heard ALL DAY on Monday. CLEARLY I got burned because I FORGOT to use sunscreen. Not the best move I KNOW. I just wanted to choke someone by the end of the day. Now I know how my sister felt during pre-election. Everyone thought they were so witty when they would call her "Hilary (Hillary) Clinton." She was always like "LIKE I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE..."

On the other hand...if you are an attention whore I would highly suggest this tactic. It hurts, but damn you get some serious attention.