Change is one of the biggest things I struggle with. Some of it has to do with me just being me. Some of it has to do with me being an introvert. And a big, old chunk of it has to do with my OCD.
This week I did TWO things that required changes. They may seems like no big deal to you. That's ok. But trust me when I say they were HUGE things for me.
I downloaded Adele's new album. New music is really hard for me. Really hard. And people are all like "how is listening to new music hard??"
Main reasons:
1. I don't know all the lyrics to new music. This is huge. Number one, I really, really like to sing along with music. If I don't know the lyrics I can't sing along and that really affects my listening experience. Number two, I don't like not knowing things. Not knowing things is the bane of my existence. If I could download music into my head and know all the songs I would be way more happy and willing to listen to new things. This is a HUGE hurdle I have to overcome with every new song that comes along. It sounds so dumb -- why is it a big deal? Well you aren't me so you can't understand so just trust me on this one. It's a HUGE FUCKING DEAL. I would really be ok with not having any new music in my life ever...but that's unreasonable and dumb and would drive the people around me crazy (because they like new music as most people do), so I keep trying. But I am definitely never going to be on the cutting edge of music.
2. What if I don't like the music? Ahhhh. Just thinking about it makes my heart beat fast. Again, why such a big deal? One, if everyone else likes it and I don't, then I have to explain why I don't like it. And I'll have to do that over and over and over again to every single person who is like "OMG, don't you love the new X song?" And if I say "Uh, no, I don't" then it's like "OMG, how can you not?!?!" And then I just don't want to have that conversation again and again and again. And probably my reasons for not liking something are like "I don't like the bump bump bump beat" and people are like "WHUT?" Nevermind. You can't understand why I don't like it and I know you want to but I can't express it in a way you understand and dear god let this conversation be over. But it never is. And if I lie and say "Yeah! Love it!" a) I hate lying, especially when I feel pressured to lie because the person who I am talking to can't just accept "No, I don't like it," and b) then they might make me listen to it and I don't want to. Two, if I spent money downloading something and I don't like it...well I just wasted money. I HATE WASTING MONEY. I'm one of the cheapest people alive. Wasting money hurts. Seriously. I know you don't understand and that's ok. Again, just trust me on this.
Anyway, I actually like the new Adele album. Yay! Thank god. And that inspired me to try ANOTHER new thing. New face wash.
Now, new products I put on my body are REALLY hard for me. I have really sensitive skin and sometimes new products make me break out in a rash or do weird things to my skin. So that makes me hesitant. Another reason is because of my shark nose. I can't stand weird smells. And "weird" is a REALLY big category. Like really big. I can smell everything. And if it somehow doesn't agree with my nose, it needs to go away and die in a fire. And if my body/skin feels weird after, ugh. No. Won't use again. And then that whole waste of money thing. Use the product once or twice and then I can't use it again and it's a waste of money. Gahhhh.
Thing that go on my face and head are the hardest. Closest to my nose and my face is the most sensitive part of my body. And I'm just generally extra weird about my head and face. It's just a thing. Trust me (again).
I've used the same face wash for 4 years. Before that I used the same face wash for 5 years. When they stopped making it, I freaked out and emailed the company for discontinuing it. I got an email back with a coupon to try one of their other face washes, but I was too pissed from their betrayal. That switch actually went smoothly because I found another company who made a similar face wash I liked. But now we've found out about microbeads and how they're destroying the environment so I've been trying to find a new face wash without microbeads. Also, now I'm vegan and it turns out so many face washes have dead animals in them. Jesus christ. Like my life wasn't hard enough already. But once I know there is tallow or gelatin or some other weird dead shit in my face wash there's NO WAY I can rub it on my face. Gah. Death. Literally.
I bought two new products at Target that are vegan and microbead free. One is ok. It doesn't make my face "feel clean" though. I am using it right now, but really unsatisfied. I know, get over it. Ha, if only I could.
I bought another one. I smelled it in the store, and I thought it had a mild enough scent I could stand it. Nope, wrong. Tried it twice. Yuck. Gave it to my roomie.
I bought three different vegan face washes from the vegan co-op. A month ago. I've been too afraid to try them. They've just been sitting in the cabinet.
Sigh.
Adele went well. Maybe facewash will go well. I put the "unscented" one in the shower. "Unscented" is such a bullshit lie. It is not unscented. It is intentionally not scented like anything in particular, but it is NOT unscented. Not to the shark nose.
I had coffee with my OCD friend who knows how hard the face wash is for me. We talked about it. And Adele. And after she left I decided I was going to try it.
I tried it. The smell was not intolerable...I don't think anyway. When the face wash got wet it got very foamy and weird and it scared me and then I was gagging the entire time I was trying to get it off my face so the smell took a back seat to the surprising texture. My face feels fine now so that's a good sign. Maybe I'll be brave enough to try it again tonight during my nightly shower (yeah, I shower twice a day -- OCD people). We'll see.
Gagging. Yeah. That's a thing. A BIG, HUGE thing. I have an intense gag reflex. It's very sensitive. It's very annoying. Weird tastes, weird smells, weird textures activate it. Sometimes compulsive thoughts about germs or weird things activate it. I feel like I spend a quarter of my life gagging. It's way fucking annoying. And I have no control over it. People always think I'm being "so dramatic" when I gag. Right, because gagging is such a lovely feeling. And sometimes I can't stop gagging and I actually throw up. That's even more fun. Every time someone says "You're so dramatic" or "You're ridiculous" I kind of want to throw up ON them. It took Andrea a long time to get used to it and realize how horrifying it is for me. And to not just laugh when it's happening. We can laugh later, but at the moment, if someone laughs, not only am I gagging at something that is horrifying my brain but now I am horrified and mortified that someone is witnessing and laughing at this whole thing. So please don't laugh. Not until I laugh about it. Then you can laugh. Because sometimes OCD just makes me laugh. It's either that or cry. And it makes me cry enough. So when I laugh at some ridiculous way OCD impacts me, then you can laugh. But not before, ok? Because then you're an unsafe person and I don't trust you to hold the weirdness that is me and my OCD. So then there is a wall between us. Very few people get to see and hear all my OCD tics live and in the flesh. And maybe that's ok -- but just know, that's a barrier between us. I've been called dramatic my whole life. It feels like crap and makes me realize you don't "get it" and that you're not trying "to get it" and then I can't be vulnerable around you and then if I'm not vulnerable around you, you don't know the real me. So you can either know the real me, all of me, or you can know the sanitized version of me. I don't particularly care either way -- the choice is yours. I'm just trying to protect myself in a world that isn't soft and comfy for me. Self preservation is the bottom line and I'll do whatever it takes to preserve myself.
Anyway, that took a bit of a dark twist. I didn't mean for it to. I really just wanted to say YAY! I TRIED TWO NEW THINGS THIS WEEK! Go me!
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
The Move
Simple statement: We moved from Santa Cruz, CA to Indianapolis, IN when I was 8 and 1/2.
Only recently have I realized what a huge impact that had on my life.
Of course, moving is hard to do. For anyone. Especially for kids. But the farther, the harder. The younger, the harder. Although if you're really young, it actually might be easier. My sister (obviously) also moved from Santa Cruz to Indianapolis. But they were 3 and 1/2 and 1. Their memories of Santa Cruz are scant (or nonexistent) and filtered through the memories of a toddler. So in some ways, my sisters and I have very different lived experiences of moving.
I know we talked about moving in advance, because duh, my parents are not total psychos. I also know because this was during the time my sister Leslie was obsessed with the concept of death and talked about dying all.the.time. And one of my mom's favorite stories is when she was explaining the move to Leslie she said something along the lines of "we're gonna pack up all the toys and all our stuff into a big truck and we're going to ride in the truck with the kitties and we're going to drive and drive and drive, and then we're going to sleep, and then we're going to drive and drive and drive, and then we're going to sleep again and then we're going to drive and drive and drive and then we'll be in Indiana!" And my little death-obsessed sister said "And then we die?" And my mom freaked out and screamed "NO! NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE! STOPPING WORRYING ABOUT PEOPLE DYING!" and that pretty much was the end of her death obsession that had gone on for months. I can't recall specific discussions, but I'm positive we talked about moving and what that meant.
But I also know that a) my parents don't do emotions all that well and b) they do not have an OCD brain like mine.
Both of my parents were raised in homes where emotions were both ignored and dangerous (in the sense of vulnerability). And as happens in families, my parents weren't equipped to deal healthily with emotions in their childhoods so they passed many of those ill-equipped coping skills down in their family (though with many more improvements over what they had).
I also had undiagnosed, untreated OCD. And I was good at hiding a lot of it. As I've been learning over the past few years, this is the story for many kids with OCD. We don't realize that our fears are disproportionate to most people's. We think everyone obsesses and worries and compulsively does things. It's not until much later, and after much hiding, and much affect on our lives that we realize we're actually very, very different. To compound things, I lived in a family that didn't do lots of touchy feely "let's talk about emotions" and we were a pretty different, not-so-mainstream family. My parents knew I was quirky and different, but in my family nonconformity and quirkiness were (mostly) celebrated. My parents are free thinkers, and my mom is an artist, and my dad is very much an aloof sort of guy (mostly because he's trapped in his own web of anxiety and fear). So between my hiding my worries and my parents focus on different things, my OCD ran rampant and unchecked, and my parents discussed the move with me, but didn't tell me ALL THE THINGS an OCD child needs to think about, worry about, prepare for, etc. etc. etc. And to be completely honest, I don't know any parent could have really prepared me for that move. Medication and therapy probably would have helped, but hindsight is 20/20.
Things that had a profound impact on me related to the move, in no particular order:
My cats almost died of heat stroke in the middle of the desert. They were fainting and gasping for breath and my mom and aunt had to rush them into a rest stop and plunge them under the water faucets.
One night we stopped to sleep in the back of the truck (our Mazda B2000; not the moving truck!). I was out of sorts and a nervous wreck and I peed the "bed." And I happened to be sharing the bed with my entire family. They were not happy. I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed.
Right before we got to Indiana, my cats were freaking out. I let Patches out of her carrier and she was so terrified she peed all over me. Cat pee on me + aforementioned peeing the bed = OMG meltdown.
My mom went to work full-time for the first time in my life after we moved to Indiana. Having a stay at home mom in Santa Cruz to a working mom in Indiana likely made me romanticize childhood in Santa Cruz and associate Indiana with the first loss of my mother I experienced.
I became a latch-key kid in Indiana...sort of. We lived with my aunt for the first year in Indiana. She worked night shift as a nurse. I came home after school and let myself in because both of my parents were at work. I was technically not without adult supervision...my aunt was in the house. But she was sleeping and I pretty much had to have my hair on fire to wake her up without feeling like I was going to be in trouble. So mostly I felt alone and that was scary.
I got a prank call that first year from some creep who was asking me if my parents were home and generally scaring the shit out of me. I remember being terrified and all the adults in my life acting like it was no big deal. The event is very foggy, but the terror is/was not.
I was the weird kid at school. I carried Bay Area surfer culture language with me. I said weird words, I didn't know what a lot of Hoosier-specific words meant. I spent all of third grade trying to learn a new world of Hoosier heartland values, language and culture.
There was a tornado that passed very close to my school that first year. I remember crouching in the hallway at school and thinking I was going to die. I moved to Indiana and now I'm dying from a tornado that is going to hit my school. Great. That was my first experience with tornadoes and it was terrifying. Tornadoes are still one of my biggest fears.
It snowed the week before Halloween. We had to wear sweatsuits under our costumes. I used to be a baton twirler in a leotard and now I was a lumpy princess who was freezing to death. No one prepared me for that shit.
Dry, dry weather and central heat = nosebleeds. Terrible, terrible nosebleeds. Blood gushing from my face. That was terrifying.
My parents bought a house! That was great! But now it was a big house and I'd never lived in a big house with my own room at the opposite end of the house from my parents. That was scary. And this house was in a new school district. Another new school.
I grew up with my cousins on my mom's side. They were my first gang/crew/peeps. In Indiana I didn't have any cousins. My aunt/uncle had a niece on my aunt's side and she became my loosely defined cousin. We spent time together, but lived farther apart and went to different schools so it wasn't the same. This was pre-Internet time so I lost close contact with my cousins for a long time. That was a significant loss.
There's probably more bits and pieces along the way. But these are the major ones that stick out for me. These things have shaped my life in significant ways. I'll keep unpacking these things in the future. Both in therapy, in my life and on my blog. OCD makes everything harder.
Only recently have I realized what a huge impact that had on my life.
Of course, moving is hard to do. For anyone. Especially for kids. But the farther, the harder. The younger, the harder. Although if you're really young, it actually might be easier. My sister (obviously) also moved from Santa Cruz to Indianapolis. But they were 3 and 1/2 and 1. Their memories of Santa Cruz are scant (or nonexistent) and filtered through the memories of a toddler. So in some ways, my sisters and I have very different lived experiences of moving.
I know we talked about moving in advance, because duh, my parents are not total psychos. I also know because this was during the time my sister Leslie was obsessed with the concept of death and talked about dying all.the.time. And one of my mom's favorite stories is when she was explaining the move to Leslie she said something along the lines of "we're gonna pack up all the toys and all our stuff into a big truck and we're going to ride in the truck with the kitties and we're going to drive and drive and drive, and then we're going to sleep, and then we're going to drive and drive and drive, and then we're going to sleep again and then we're going to drive and drive and drive and then we'll be in Indiana!" And my little death-obsessed sister said "And then we die?" And my mom freaked out and screamed "NO! NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE! STOPPING WORRYING ABOUT PEOPLE DYING!" and that pretty much was the end of her death obsession that had gone on for months. I can't recall specific discussions, but I'm positive we talked about moving and what that meant.
But I also know that a) my parents don't do emotions all that well and b) they do not have an OCD brain like mine.
Both of my parents were raised in homes where emotions were both ignored and dangerous (in the sense of vulnerability). And as happens in families, my parents weren't equipped to deal healthily with emotions in their childhoods so they passed many of those ill-equipped coping skills down in their family (though with many more improvements over what they had).
I also had undiagnosed, untreated OCD. And I was good at hiding a lot of it. As I've been learning over the past few years, this is the story for many kids with OCD. We don't realize that our fears are disproportionate to most people's. We think everyone obsesses and worries and compulsively does things. It's not until much later, and after much hiding, and much affect on our lives that we realize we're actually very, very different. To compound things, I lived in a family that didn't do lots of touchy feely "let's talk about emotions" and we were a pretty different, not-so-mainstream family. My parents knew I was quirky and different, but in my family nonconformity and quirkiness were (mostly) celebrated. My parents are free thinkers, and my mom is an artist, and my dad is very much an aloof sort of guy (mostly because he's trapped in his own web of anxiety and fear). So between my hiding my worries and my parents focus on different things, my OCD ran rampant and unchecked, and my parents discussed the move with me, but didn't tell me ALL THE THINGS an OCD child needs to think about, worry about, prepare for, etc. etc. etc. And to be completely honest, I don't know any parent could have really prepared me for that move. Medication and therapy probably would have helped, but hindsight is 20/20.
Things that had a profound impact on me related to the move, in no particular order:
My cats almost died of heat stroke in the middle of the desert. They were fainting and gasping for breath and my mom and aunt had to rush them into a rest stop and plunge them under the water faucets.
One night we stopped to sleep in the back of the truck (our Mazda B2000; not the moving truck!). I was out of sorts and a nervous wreck and I peed the "bed." And I happened to be sharing the bed with my entire family. They were not happy. I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed.
Right before we got to Indiana, my cats were freaking out. I let Patches out of her carrier and she was so terrified she peed all over me. Cat pee on me + aforementioned peeing the bed = OMG meltdown.
My mom went to work full-time for the first time in my life after we moved to Indiana. Having a stay at home mom in Santa Cruz to a working mom in Indiana likely made me romanticize childhood in Santa Cruz and associate Indiana with the first loss of my mother I experienced.
I became a latch-key kid in Indiana...sort of. We lived with my aunt for the first year in Indiana. She worked night shift as a nurse. I came home after school and let myself in because both of my parents were at work. I was technically not without adult supervision...my aunt was in the house. But she was sleeping and I pretty much had to have my hair on fire to wake her up without feeling like I was going to be in trouble. So mostly I felt alone and that was scary.
I got a prank call that first year from some creep who was asking me if my parents were home and generally scaring the shit out of me. I remember being terrified and all the adults in my life acting like it was no big deal. The event is very foggy, but the terror is/was not.
I was the weird kid at school. I carried Bay Area surfer culture language with me. I said weird words, I didn't know what a lot of Hoosier-specific words meant. I spent all of third grade trying to learn a new world of Hoosier heartland values, language and culture.
There was a tornado that passed very close to my school that first year. I remember crouching in the hallway at school and thinking I was going to die. I moved to Indiana and now I'm dying from a tornado that is going to hit my school. Great. That was my first experience with tornadoes and it was terrifying. Tornadoes are still one of my biggest fears.
It snowed the week before Halloween. We had to wear sweatsuits under our costumes. I used to be a baton twirler in a leotard and now I was a lumpy princess who was freezing to death. No one prepared me for that shit.
Dry, dry weather and central heat = nosebleeds. Terrible, terrible nosebleeds. Blood gushing from my face. That was terrifying.
My parents bought a house! That was great! But now it was a big house and I'd never lived in a big house with my own room at the opposite end of the house from my parents. That was scary. And this house was in a new school district. Another new school.
I grew up with my cousins on my mom's side. They were my first gang/crew/peeps. In Indiana I didn't have any cousins. My aunt/uncle had a niece on my aunt's side and she became my loosely defined cousin. We spent time together, but lived farther apart and went to different schools so it wasn't the same. This was pre-Internet time so I lost close contact with my cousins for a long time. That was a significant loss.
There's probably more bits and pieces along the way. But these are the major ones that stick out for me. These things have shaped my life in significant ways. I'll keep unpacking these things in the future. Both in therapy, in my life and on my blog. OCD makes everything harder.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Hello? (Echo, echo, echo...)
Oh hai.
I know I have been totally MIA for almost a month. Some chaos and craziness has ensued and my life kind of went topsy turvy and it's taken a few weeks for me to settle down and adjust. I'm home in the USA. I left Nigeria a little earlier than planned but I'm not going to go into all the crazy details because it's a long story. Just know that I'm fine, my peeps in Nigeria are fine, my relationships that I built while I was there continue and my research continues as well. I am continuing to make adjustments as needed so that I will still graduate by May and other than that I am happy, healthy and whole!
I've spent the last few weeks finding my new "normal" back home. I struggled the first few weeks with figuring out a schedule for myself since I have little to no responsibilities in my life until January. But my boss re-hired me so that has given me some stuff to do. I have been attending my weekly PhD cohort meetings which gives me one day back in B-ton and intellectual stimulation that I've been longing for and that makes me happy. I'm still working on the self-discipline thing to continue my academic work (which is all personal and therefore has no actual deadlines) and I think I'm getting back into the saddle. I've been working out and continuing to eat healthy so I can continue the weight loss/get healthy thing I started in Nigeria. I have not gained a single pound back from the 15 I lost while I was there so that is a major victory! Ange has been joining me in this mission so hopefully we'll both continue to do well.
I hope to be back to regular postings soon, so stay tuned!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Growing Up
This year seems to be a year of great changes. Of course, I'm living in Nigeria for 5 months which is a huge change, but besides that obvious yet temporary change, lots of other things have changed at home as well.
- Though it was really last year my baby sister has really and truly moved away from home. When you are in your undergraduate years you may go away to college but home is really still where your parents are. Hilary went off to vet school which is a 4-5 year commitment and now she is living on her own in her own house with bills and roommates and responsibilities. I've tried to make a conscious effort to not refer to Indiana as home (as in, "Hey Hil when are you coming home?" meaning Indiana) but it's still hard and I slip up. I know my dad is still in denial that she may be living in Michigan for a very long time, so part of my effort is to get him used to the idea that Hilary's home is now Michigan and we just have to be happy when she comes for a visit in her former home.
- My mom moved away to California. Of course that is a huge change, but I realized right before she left that this was the first time that she was moving away from us and it coincided with the fact that I was leaving for Nigeria and it was just a weird feeling. No matter how many times I've left and gone places (Pennsylvania, China, etc.) she's always been there when I got home. But not this time. This time I'll go home and she won't be there! It will be fine as we'll be in just as much contact through lovely technology, but it was just a really weird thing to think about for the first time in my life!
- As I am in my last year of school I am looking for jobs for next year. When you have a PhD you are in a unique position of getting very good jobs, but having little choice as to where those jobs will be. Faculty positions are not something that just open up wherever and whenever. If you are lucky you'll get a job somewhere desirable and nice, but you really don't have much of a choice. I have my priority areas I'd like to live, but only time will tell if I will get a job in an area in my top picks or if I'll be somewhere that I am not all that thrilled about. The one thing I know is that it is very unlikely I will be staying in Indiana, which of course brings a lot of mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am not that fond of Indiana...mostly because it's way too conservative and the weather sucks. However, the majority of my immediate family lives here as well as most of my dad's side of the family. In addition, all of Ange's family lives here. The thought of not hanging out with my family, particularly my sisters, is almost devastating. The main reason I would stay in Indiana if given a chance is to be close to my family. However, the likelihood of my getting a job here is very small. It is very rare for a university to hire a recent graduate, so my chances at IU are almost nil. Most of the other universities around do not have public health programs so getting a job at any of those is unlikely. The only small hope I have is IUPUI which would be ok. Both IU and IUPUI are moving from Departments of Public Health to Schools of Public Health which means a large increase in faculty. If either school advertises for faculty I will of course apply, but hiring a recent graduate (this next year for IU, and 2006 for IUPUI) is not a usual practice. I know that if I get a job anywhere outside of Indiana it's going to be a HUGE change. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for it, because I know it will be hard. Besides Indiana, my other big priority is California. That way I would be at least close to my mom's side of the family, and hopefully my mother as well. We'll just see what the future holds!
- Those less dramatic than the above, another big change is the fact that our dogs are getting older. In the past year the dogs have had more health issues than ever before and it is a reminder that we are going to have some tough years ahead of us. Of course Duke and Stone are older and that is not surprise, but seeing mortality right around the corner is hard. They are both older than the average lifespan of German Shepard's, and they've both had some big health challenges in the past year. I cherish every day I have with them but know that time is ticking down. That's one of the hardest parts about being away from home right now. I think about those two constantly. That's not to say I am not thinking about the others as well. I tend to think of Daisy and Caramel as puppies still, but the reality is, they are becoming old ladies themselves. Daisy, crazy beast that she is, has been showing definite signs of wear and tear. She used to be able to hurl herself head first into a fence and bounce right off. In the past year she's hurt herself to the point that she's been in pain and moving stiffly. 8 years old is no spring chicken anymore, and I think both she and I are having trouble adjusting to that. Carmie still acts like a total baby, but of course her epilepsy is always a big concern in the back of my head. Not that it means she's old, but she is only a year or so behind Daisy so I'm on the lookout for signs of her showing her age as well. The only young one in the bunch is Sam, but being that he is the only pure breed in the house, and a pretty dainty breed at that, his life expectancy is less to begin with. Added to the fact that he's a big fat dump truck, I'm of course concerned with his health as well. Every time I've had a pet die I think "No more pets!" But of course I never follow through. I love animals too much. It's just so unfair that their lives are so much shorter than ours. Well, except maybe a tortoise, but who wants to snuggle a tortoise?
Monday, October 5, 2009
The most valuable lesson I've learned (so far)...
So I went back over to Imagination Prompts to find something new to write about and after clicking through a few dumb ones, I got this question: What is the most valuable lesson you've learned in your life?
Immediately I had an answer, and even better, an answer I think is important for people to learn and consider and it's not something that's always apparent and it's often hard to do. My biggest life lesson is this: Never burn your bridges. Now we've heard that saying a million times I'm sure, but what does it really mean? I think there is the obvious, but then there are some nuances that you have to remember.
Overall Message 1: Don't be a jerk to anyone that you've had some sort of personal or professional relationship with in the past.
You never, ever will know when your paths will cross with that person again. Whether it's for a job recommendation or opportunity in the future or something else, you just never know. Even if someone has been a beast to work with or for and you really feel like saying something mean and nasty on your way out the door, it's just a better idea to be pleasant and cordial. It might feel great in the moment, but what other benefit do you get by "telling someone off?" Uh, probably nothing. If they really were a jerk, I'm willing to bet that they don't care what you think and it isn't going to change their attitude. But it will change their opinion of you. And should your name ever, ever come up you don't want the last thing they remember was how you yelled at them or said something mean/immature/spiteful. Although it's particularly important in professional relationships, I think the same can be said about personal relationships as well.
So 30 seconds on ranting might feel good for those 30 seconds (and maybe a little longer) but the ramifications can last much longer and be much more powerful than "it feels good." In my experience people who handle difficult situations well are usually admired more because they handle things gracefully. Be classy, not trashy. You don't want to be someone's "OMG, this one time" story. Usually when someone looks back in time, they don't remember the minor things, but they will remember a huge blow up. So if someone is asked about you and you haven't given them a big blow out they'll usually say something nice.
Overall Message 2: Even if it isn't a split that is dramatic make an effort to stay in touch because you'll never know when someone will be useful to you.
There are a ton of people I've met in my life that in the grand scheme of things don't matter much to my daily life. But on more than one occasion I've had something fruitful come my way because I kept in touch with, or minimally would make small talk at events with, people in my life that I pretty much thought I was "done" with. You never know when someone you thought was inconsequential has a great connection to someone you do think is consequential in your life. If you've maintained some kind of contact (email updates, small talk at social events, etc.) they will have better things to say about you and will be more willing to go that extra step for you. Again, people will remember you for the pleasant things unless you give them a reason to really remember the awful things. And it's always better for them to say "I think she's been working on X, Y, and Z," rather than "I haven't talked to her for 5 years." As much as I hate networking and schmoozing, it is one of the most valuable skills I've ever learned.
It's also helpful to really keep people up-to-date on your life in case an unknown opportunity arises. When someone is thinking "Who could I offer this to or let know about this great opportunity?" if you are salient in their mind they are more likely to call you and let you know about the great opportunity. If you haven't talked to someone in eons they may not know what you are currently doing, much less remember who you are.
Anyway, that is one of the most important things that I've learned in my life so far. Just one more pearl of wisdom to add to your stack of Lindsay's Life Lessons.
Immediately I had an answer, and even better, an answer I think is important for people to learn and consider and it's not something that's always apparent and it's often hard to do. My biggest life lesson is this: Never burn your bridges. Now we've heard that saying a million times I'm sure, but what does it really mean? I think there is the obvious, but then there are some nuances that you have to remember.
Overall Message 1: Don't be a jerk to anyone that you've had some sort of personal or professional relationship with in the past.
You never, ever will know when your paths will cross with that person again. Whether it's for a job recommendation or opportunity in the future or something else, you just never know. Even if someone has been a beast to work with or for and you really feel like saying something mean and nasty on your way out the door, it's just a better idea to be pleasant and cordial. It might feel great in the moment, but what other benefit do you get by "telling someone off?" Uh, probably nothing. If they really were a jerk, I'm willing to bet that they don't care what you think and it isn't going to change their attitude. But it will change their opinion of you. And should your name ever, ever come up you don't want the last thing they remember was how you yelled at them or said something mean/immature/spiteful. Although it's particularly important in professional relationships, I think the same can be said about personal relationships as well.
So 30 seconds on ranting might feel good for those 30 seconds (and maybe a little longer) but the ramifications can last much longer and be much more powerful than "it feels good." In my experience people who handle difficult situations well are usually admired more because they handle things gracefully. Be classy, not trashy. You don't want to be someone's "OMG, this one time" story. Usually when someone looks back in time, they don't remember the minor things, but they will remember a huge blow up. So if someone is asked about you and you haven't given them a big blow out they'll usually say something nice.
Overall Message 2: Even if it isn't a split that is dramatic make an effort to stay in touch because you'll never know when someone will be useful to you.
There are a ton of people I've met in my life that in the grand scheme of things don't matter much to my daily life. But on more than one occasion I've had something fruitful come my way because I kept in touch with, or minimally would make small talk at events with, people in my life that I pretty much thought I was "done" with. You never know when someone you thought was inconsequential has a great connection to someone you do think is consequential in your life. If you've maintained some kind of contact (email updates, small talk at social events, etc.) they will have better things to say about you and will be more willing to go that extra step for you. Again, people will remember you for the pleasant things unless you give them a reason to really remember the awful things. And it's always better for them to say "I think she's been working on X, Y, and Z," rather than "I haven't talked to her for 5 years." As much as I hate networking and schmoozing, it is one of the most valuable skills I've ever learned.
It's also helpful to really keep people up-to-date on your life in case an unknown opportunity arises. When someone is thinking "Who could I offer this to or let know about this great opportunity?" if you are salient in their mind they are more likely to call you and let you know about the great opportunity. If you haven't talked to someone in eons they may not know what you are currently doing, much less remember who you are.
Anyway, that is one of the most important things that I've learned in my life so far. Just one more pearl of wisdom to add to your stack of Lindsay's Life Lessons.
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