YOU DON'T KNOW!

"YOU DON'T KNOW!"

That's one of my favorite phrases. It's also sort of my Hail Mary desperation statement. When all my logical (or illogical) reasons for why I'm scared, anxious, worried, what-have-you have run out, I usually end with "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW!!!"

Andrea has created the perfect retort: "No I don't know, but neither do you." Boom. She always roasts me with that one. 

Anyone with anxiety will tell you that most of the anxiety comes from what we don't know. What could happen. What if. And that's hard. But it's even harder if you have OCD. Because not only do not know what could happen within the reasonable, rational world, but you can also dream up eleventy million implausible, maybe impossible, totally ridiculous things to also worry about.

I think it's important to note that we/I do not sit around thinking of ridiculous scenarios that COULD happen just to annoy people around us. Those things just pop into our heads that seem just as likely as any of the "real" sort of things you could/should worry about. Is it likely that the stranger walking behind me at a restaurant will all of a sudden grab my head and snap my neck and kill me? Highly unlikely...but you never know! And the more I worry about it the more likely it seems that it could happen. That's the main difference between people with OCD and everyone else. Other people might have that thought but then say "Oh, that's silly" and laugh it off and continue with their day. People with OCD might know that it's silly, but it's no laughing matter. And the more we try to NOT think about it, the more we think about it, and then the more it becomes real life. Believe me, if I could stop these ridiculous thoughts from a) entering my head and b) leaving quickly if they do come in, I would be a much happier person! But the problem with having OCD is that your brain conveniently disposes of logic and reason for you. Even if you can say "I know this is silly and unlikely to happen" the small part of your brain where OCD lives whispers "But what if it does?" and then you spend time quieting the OCD and in the process obsessing over why it might be right. It's exhausting.

The best thing about having a completely non-anxious, calm, steady partner is that she can act as a nice port in the harbor of crazy town that is my brain. When I come up with a particularly ridiculous "what if" she can respond that it would have never occurred to her that that could happen, but yes, maybe it could but it's super unlikely. There's something immensely calming about her responses. She doesn't act like I'm ridiculous, so then I don't feel shame and embarrassment -- which often heighten worries for me -- but she considers it like it's a serious potential and then says it's unlikely to happen. And I'm much more likely to believe her because I know her brain is more rational than mine. And the fact that it has or never would occur to her often makes me think "Hmm, that probably means it's really unlikely to happen or she would have thought about it." Not always...sometimes I say "WELL IT'S A GOOD THING I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING OR WE MIGHT DIE 12 TIMES TODAY!" And in her steady, reassuring way she says "You're right. It's a good thing we have you to keep us safe. And a good thing we have me to make sure we don't become agoraphobics and keep us moving forward." Ah, yin and yang.

Reconnecting

We reconnect now

Who knows what the future holds?

Better than before

Therapizing

Sifting through the past

Trying to find out what's what

 Where are the answers?

The Next 2 Years of My Life (or so)

I sometimes forget to tell people things. Mostly it's because if I tell my sister a story more than once she screams at me and tells me that I'm always telling her the same story. SO sometimes I forget to tell people things because I'm afraid I already told them and because they aren't my sister they'll politely listen while in their head thinking "I ALREADY HEARD THIS LADY!" So this is my effort to keep everyone in the loop with my near future plans so hopefully nothing will be a surprise when it happens and you can't say I didn't tell you. Ok? Good.

So currently I am in my second and final year of course work for my PhD. I went for a year part-time before transitioning to full time last year. Our program is a 3 year PhD program where you do two years of course work and then spend one year working on your dissertation start to finish. So in theory my half year should have put me a little ahead and I could be taking it easy, but since workaholic mania runs in my family, I am instead taking more credits than average rather than less. Go figure. I can't help it! I like to learn! That is why I am getting a PhD.

So I will be all done with my classes after next spring (2010). I will then take and pass my qualifying exams (notice the positive thinking!) sometime in May or June. Hopefully by then I will have successfully written a proposal for and secured funding for my dissertation research. I will then present my Dissertation Proposal to my committee for approval, and in July I will be jetting off to Nigeria for 6 months.

Yes I said Nigeria, and yes I said 6 months, and no I am not crazy. I have a minor in African studies and my primary research interests lie in Africa-related issues around sexuality so I could not even pretend to call myself an African researcher if I had not "done my time" in Africa. Since I am most familiar and comfortable with Nigeria, and most of my interests lie in Nigeria specifically, I naturally will be doing my research in Nigeria. With this summer's fortunate meeting of the M's it also makes me feel even more comfortable about this quest and I hope to be enmeshed within the Benin City & the University community.

I will be in Nigeria from approximately right after 4th of July to right before Christmas. Since I get to control my research I also get to control when I go and return. I don't like missing holidays with my family, so other than Thanksgiving and my sister and father's birthdays I will miss minimal stuff. I will be in Benin working on my research and doing on-going analysis while there. After I return home I will spend the Spring Semester 2011 finishing my analysis and writing for my dissertation and then finally successfully defending my dissertation and becoming Dr. Briggs sometime in May 2011.

In the midst of all of the above I will also be looking for a job for after graduation. I will be setting my sights primarily on medium sized universities where I can have an emphasis on research. I'll be looking at large and small universities as well, and maybe even some non-academic positions but I hope to work at somewhere not too big and not too small and have lots of freedom to work on my research as I wish. We'll see how that goes. As far as location, I am not opposed to staying in Indiana completely, but I don't think that the outlook is good for job prospects. There are not many universities in Indiana that do sex-related research besides IU. It's not to say that if there were positions available I wouldn't apply, but the reality is, the chances are slim. Outside of Indiana I am focusing on the West Coast primarily and a few select locations on the East Coast and in the South. The rest of the country kind of sucks because it is either A) way too cold or B) way too far from a beach. Warmth and ocean access are two of my highest priorities. We'll see how it goes.

After that the picture starts to get a little fuzzy. I'm trying to take it a few months at a time and readjust as necessary. If there is a major change of course, you'll hear it here first!