An(i) Epiphany

So last Wednesday my love and I went to the Ani DiFranco concert. Of course, she totally rocked the house...not that we expected any different. Given that it was an Ani concert, of course at least half the crowd was lesbian (and of course since half the crowd was lesbian, my girlfriend knew half of the half, and dated half of that half...). And given that I think waaaaaay to much, and am prone to introspection when there are an overwhelming amount of "things" going on at once, I had an epiphany in the middle of the concert. This is not rare, as A. epiphany is one of my favorite words and B. I really like to think about the world in themetic ways. (Sidenote, this is what makes me a good researcher)

So you know the joke about lesbians that goes something like "Know what lesbians bring on the second date?" and the answer is "A U-Haul!" For those of you NOT in the know...lesbians are well-known for moving at lightening speed in their relationships. Typical lesbian relationships happen like this: girl meets girl, they fall in love, they move in together, they acquire animals together, and they're rarely seen in public again because they are too busy being domestic with their animals and rarely leave their couch. Details differ, but basically that's the format.

One of the rare times that they do leave their couch and come out is for the random, once a year "Girls Night Out" type event. Usually someone's birthday, or sadly, to celebrate a couple's break up (we're so melodramatic). Another popular time for an outing is when any quasi-queer music event is going on. Think Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, Lillith Fair, Tori Amos or Ani DiFranco. There are others, but these are the main ones. So we fully expected it to be super lesbian night at the Murat for Ani. We were not disappointed.

As we were sitting in our 8th row seats (yay me for stalking LiveNation for tickets!) we did a lot of looking around and observing. The two girls sitting in front of us where something else. They were both wearing cut off sweatpant shorts (totally not shitting you), hiking sandals complete with socks (still not shitting you), ratty looking t-shirts and bandanas on their shaved heads. I swear to you, they looked like they had been working in the yard all day, all of sudden remember that they had Ani tickets and RAN out the door so they wouldn't miss her. One half of the Hideous Twins spent the ENTIRE concert rocking back and forth like a pendulum. I swear I could have set my watch to her. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Most people were kind of alternating between swaying to the music, doing random bursts of dancing and some chilling. Not this chick. BACK AND FORTH THE ENTIRE CONCERT. At some point in the middle she added a little hip hook so she looked more like the agitator of a washing machine, but that only lasted a few songs. Then back to the pendulum. She was getting on my last nerves. First it was distracting because it was like I see Ani, Now I don't, I see Ani, Now I don't, I see Ani, Now I don't, I see Ani, Now I don't...and so on. I knew I could not watch the entire concert like that so I had to shift into an uncomfortable position so I could just see Ani all the time. Of course she was still in my field of vision and I fought the urge to just grab her shoulders and hold her still the entire concert.

Two rows up and to the left were two girls who could not stay in one place and watch the concert for the life of them. And they also seemed intent on causing chaos every time they moved as well. One of them had a blue tooth headset on that blinked an irritating blue light the entire concert. Again, catching my eye and making me crazy. Her partner spent the night using her cell phone in various annoying ways. Alternating between using it to take pictures and videos of Ani performing, sending text messages and yes, even making calls. During the concert. Six rows from the front. Besides the fact that one typically goes to a concert to WATCH AND LISTEN to the artist, how in the hell can you talk on a phone when it's that loud? They also left and came back into the room like 85 times in 2 hours, spilled a cup of beer alllll over the aisle, and kept getting scolded by the security guard for standing in the aisle.

The point of telling you these two stories is to say, the reasons that lesbians find the one person that makes them happy and then never leave the house is because we all get on each others nerves and we're completely judgmental bitches that would end up clawing each others' eyes out if we spent more than a few nights a year out together.