365: Hazards of Working in Sex (Research & Education)

As I was walking through the grocery store today I had to do a double take at this can of olive oil. On first glance I thought it was a lady in bondage. Seriously. When I glanced back I saw it was supposed to be an innocent Italian girl being slightly coquettish. Our Human Sexuality lesson today was about BDSM so that's naturally why my mind went there. See how much you're missing out on people?!?!

365: "We are like, SO NICE to old people"

I did my sexual activity timeline in my human sexuality class today. This time instead of just having a "start" date, I also added an "end" date. So they had to come up with a list of "typical" sexual behaviors one would experience over a lifetime, tell me when these behaviors started (on average) and when they thought they ended (on average). Very enlightening to say the least. Overall they thought they were "like, SO nice to old people" by thinking "old people" had sex for "so long."

Here's the list so you don't have to squint:

Closed Mouth Kissing - Starts at age 5, Ends at Death
Masturbation for Boys - Starts at age 11.5 years of age (split between 11 & 12), Ends at Death
“Dating” - Starts at age 13, Ends at 16.5 years of age
Open Mouth Kissing - Starts at age 13, Ends at Death
Dry Humping - Starts at age 14, Ends at 50 years of age
Under Clothes Groping - Starts at age 14, Ends at 50 years of age
Masturbation for Girls - Starts at age 15, Ends at 62.5 years of age (split between 60 & 65)
Spooning - Starts at age 14.5, Ends at Death
Masturbating Each Other - Starts at age 14.5, Ends at Death
Oral Sex - Starts at age 15, Ends at 65 years of age
Intercourse - Starts at age 16, Ends at 75 years of age
Serious Dating – Starts at age 16.5, Ends at 55 years of age
Sex on Drugs - Starts at age 17, Ends at 30 years of age (intense discussion about “level” of drug – we just went with “average drug use”)
Men Receiving Anal Sex - Starts at age 17, Ends at Death (intense discussion about Viagra here)
Casual Sex - Starts at age 17.5, Ends at 40 years of age - also starts at 70 years of age and ends at Death (for those who are divorced or widowed)
Love - Starts at age 18, Ends at Death (or “never”)
Kinky Sex (anything from sex toys to S&M) - Starts at age 18.5, Ends at 65 years of age
Women Receiving Anal Sex - Starts at age 19, Ends at 30 years of age
Rim Jobs - Starts at age 20, Ends at 65 years of age
Group Sex - Starts at age 20 (although some said 3-somes started earlier – orgies later), Ends at 35 years of age
Have Baby - Starts at age 22.5, Ends at 42 years of age (some said 40, some said 45)
Marriage - Starts at age 25, Ends at Death
Prostitution / Paying for Sex - Starts at age 30 (this was a VERY big average – some said 18, some said 50+), Ends at 65 years of age
Divorce - Starts at age 40, Ends at Death

365: Intimacy Timeline

We did a group activity today in my Human Sexuality class. I asked them to decide when intimate behaviors were acceptable to begin across the lifespan. These were their answers. Hopefully you can read them. It's always an entertaining and enlightening discussion.

Please, I want to marry you!

In my 5 years working on African issues and in Africa the one thing that I find frustrates most females going to Africa is the ever-present annoyance of men trying to get in your pants. I know that is blunt and it sounds harsh, but in my personal experience (anecdotally of course) this goes across all African men I have ever met, be it Nigerian, Congolese, Gambian, etc. I really hate to generalize, particularly across one of the largest and most populated continents on the planet, so please know I do not do this lightly.

Luckily it is usually done in a light and playful manner and not in a scary, threatening manner. I have NEVER felt like I was going to be assaulted, just oogled, sometimes in a manner we would call “sexual harassment” in the US. Here it isn’t. It’s just standard practice. Particularly given the fact that American girls tend to send unconscious signals to the men they are interacting with on a daily basis. Those “unconscious signals” are being overly nice (which is very American), always wanting to help (Americans love some underdogs), and just being an American (but particularly a larger white woman). I know, I know, that’s pretty much an all inclusive list. So pretty much, if you are an American woman, you will be sexually harassed, or at least intensely flirted with.

The interesting thing is that for the most part, this behavior continues even outside of Africa amongst the African men I know. I have been hit on or propositioned by the majority of African men living in the US that I know (or really, even meet). Not every single one, but nearly. It seems that it’s a hard cultural habit to break. It used to drive me nuts, but eventually I learned to ignore it and deflect. It still bothers a lot of newbies, and it used to bother Ange a lot, though now that she has traveled with me and has met lots of Africans herself she’s becoming more used to it and not as upset. It’s probably the number one thing that drives new visitors to the brink of losing their minds. If they can move past it, their experience is usually a great one. If not, they get caught up and really annoyed.

This has been my experience up until now. However, for the first time in my history of working with African men and living in Africa I am basically free from this. I didn’t really notice it at first, but one day I last week I went to the market and got a marriage proposal while I was trying to buy a set of plastic drawers. After explaining that I was already married, he basically said any white American girl would do. I had to promise to send him one in exchange for the deal I negotiated with him for my drawers. So ladies, there is a man in Benin just waiting for you. Sorry I had to sell you out, but 1000 Naira was at stake! After that experience I all of a sudden realized that that was the first time in the 2 and a half weeks that I’d been here that I’d had that happen. I had to think really hard about it, but nope, hadn’t happened. Of course now that I am conscious of it I am looking at for it. And still, a week and a half later, it hasn’t happened!

Of course it is refreshing for me to not have to constantly be on my guard but it’s also interesting from my research perspective. Why aren’t men flirting/harassing me? Is it really their staunch religious views? In the past I’ve worked with men from a variety of different religious backgrounds (from Catholics to Muslims) and no matter what their religious beliefs about sex and behavior are supposed to be, I find they very rarely “walk the talk” when it comes to obeying religious doctrine.

So, on the one hand it is surprising that in this Pentecostal environment people are (so far) obeying their religious beliefs and guidelines, but on the other hand it isn’t surprising because that is what you would (stereotypically) expect. And if it isn’t the influence of religion, then what is it? It could be that I am in a really weird space in terms of age…most of the people in church are older and married so perhaps I am too young for them (though this has NEVER stopped anyone before)? And my prospective interviewees, students, are all much younger than me, so maybe that has something to do with it? Right now I am leaning towards explanation #1, which is of course very interesting and relevant to my work. I’ll have to keep thinking about this one.

Friendly Researc-y Article

This came across Facebook yesterday and of course the title caught my eye: Guilty Pleasures: Religion and Sex Among American University Students. This is a good primer article that can get you familiar with a lot of the issues I am looking at with my research. Basically the research this person did shows the same thing I've been talking about with mine; e.g. even students who consider themselves very "religious" are participating in sexual relationships and not feeling (too) bad about it. Of course, the research doesn't show WHY they are doing it and HOW they are rationalizing it or even too much in depth about their thoughts about it, particularly how they make decisions about whether or not to participate in sexual relationships and what factors they consider. Which is exactly what my research is about. And with Nigerian students rather than CA college students. But very similar stuff. So anyway, just so you get an idea that I'm not the only person interested in this stuff I thought I'd share it.

Um, wanna have a 3some?

Just kidding. I'm not really offering...BUT the past week of my life has been consumed by this question.

I feel like I have a good grip on this teaching thing and think I am doing well by my students and well, frankly, I did run into some ridiculousness that I didn't quite expect.

One of the common assignments we assign in our human sexuality class is loosely called "Push Your Boundaries/Explore Sex." Basically students are supposed to come up with an idea to explore some aspect of sexuality that pushes their personal boundaries of comfort. Since everyone is different this means lots of different things. For some people, looking at Playboy is pushing their boundaries. For some people it is something a little racier.

Before they can write their paper they have to turn in their topic selection to me so I can make sure they are on the right track (undergrads often get off track easily). So apparently 2 days before the topic selection was due one of my students decided it was a great idea to send an email out to the class (via our internal messaging system for the class) that said:

hello ladies of [our class],

i was wondering if any 2 or more ladies would like to participate in a 3some for our project. im too young to goto strip club and ive done everything else sexually that i am willing to do besides this. i thought it would be fun :). so if any ladies are intrested just shoot me an email or a text before class tomorrow. my number is [Phone Number]. AGAIN, NO GUYS. SORRY.

sincerly,
[Male in Class]

ps. feel free to look me up onm facebook. my screenname is [Male in Class].

Now, I did not receive this message first hand. I received word of it because another student in the class forwarded it to me with this note:

Mrs. Briggs,

I am completely insulted and disgusted by this students inappropriate message. I wanted you to be aware of what this individual has sent out, and I am asking you to please talk to him. Not only is this an insult to women, but I feel its also an insult to the class itself. Considering he is asking us to expand his sex history in the name of "education". This class is supposed to expand our minds on sex, not to expand our list of people we have had intercourse with. I apologize, Im ranting. But Im a little upset at this individuals complete immaturity and lack of sensitivity in such a class. Please, talk to him.

Thank you,
[Female in Class]

Okkkkk. What to do? On the one hand, I definitely know why she was upset. I can understand her email and why she wanted action taken. On the other hand, I think that his email was as respectful as possible for propositioning your entire class for a threesome. And his project is NOT wrong; it completely falls within the guidelines of the course.

So I decided to email my fellow PhD students to get their opinions. We have a very diverse group of students so I knew it would be a range of opinions. I got some suggestions to email our supervisor & I did. She replied that it was highly inappropriate and I needed to address it, but she also said "You may want to consider that engaging in sexual activity is not an accepted activity for this project. There are too many issues that can result that you don't want to be responsible for. I know it's a new generation, but there has to be some boundaries set so students feel safe."

Now this is where I have a major disagreement. I think that this is a class that:

A. Explores all aspects of human sexuality; not just those that are more comfortable to discuss.
B. I feel like I have created a safe classroom which is why this student felt it was ok to do this and why one student felt it was ok to let me know it was NOT ok with her.
C. I think it is hypocritical to say "sexual activity" includes only explicit sexual acts between two (or more) actual individuals. I think going to a strip club or watching pornography are also "engaging in sexual activity" and that this is the wrong message to send.
D. Even more hypocritical is that one of the ideas on the list (they get a brainstormed list to help stimulate their thinking) is to get a STD test. SO we can tell them to get tested, but we better not discuss what might have actually gotten them a STD in the first place? Bollocks.

But besides my philosophical reservations I knew I had to take some kind of action (and actually was instructed by my supervisor that I had to as well) so I decided that I would email the student to explain the scenario and let him see what the student he offended said (though not her name) and to let him know what my supervisor said. But I also let him know that I was NOT mad at him and that he wasn't being punished and that he could continue on with his topic, but that he'd need to find another way to solicit partners. I told him it had to be addressed so he decided to send a follow up email to the class:

DEAR MEMBERS OF [class],

IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION BY THE INSTRUCTOR THAT MY PREVIOUS MESSAGE WAS INNAPROPRIATE FOR CLASS AND DISRESPECTFUL TO THOSE WHO FOUND IT OFFENSIVE. I APPOLOGIZE TO THOSE THAT THE MESSAGE EFFECTED NEGATIVELY. I ASSURE ALL OF YOU THAT I MEANT NO HARM OR DISRESPECT TO ANYONE. AND MY PURPOSE WAS NOT TO FORFIL ANY SEXUAL DESIRES. I ONLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA AND OTHERS WOULD BE BE TOO SHY OR TIMID TO BRING IT UP. AGAIN I AM SORRY TO ANYONE I OFFENDED I DIDNT MEAN TO HARM ANYONE IN ANYWAY AND IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Whew. I hoped that the crisis was avoided. And turns out, I haven't (yet) heard anything else directly about it. I was a little apprehensive for the next class meeting, but it didn't come up as a class issue, although prior to the start of class I overheard a group of students discussing it and one student added him as a friend on Facebook, another students sent it to all her friends because she thought it was so funny, and another student printed out the message and used it as a conversation starter all day.

All in all, I'm glad it happened even though it was a little sticky for a few days. I think it was a good learning experience for many people (student, me, other PhD students, possibly my class) and it started an interesting conversation around our office.

Another blog about being an adult...

Apparently my public persona has changed. I know I haven't actually changed, but apparently I have recently come off as "conservative" to some people. I know, I know, those of you who know me are probably re-reading that sentence to make sure you read it correctly and are now cracking up. That's exactly what happened to me and my other witnesses when they heard/read that statement.

Whilst having dinner last week with my love, my JC friend Chesney, NY Diva and the man-child (MC) I am trying to hook her up with, we were casually chatting when MC says "Well, Lindsay, you are so conservative." To which there was deafening silence, I looked at Ange and NY and just bust out laughing for several minutes. MC says that I act very proper and subdued. Clearly he just doesn't come out of his room enough. Another reason to NOT be addicted to WoW.

And as if that was not enough, I picked up my spring teaching evaluations the next day and was glancing through the written summary comments. I literally had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk and crack up when I read one comment: "She seems very conservative about the topic of sex in general." WHAT??? Are you kidding me?

In response to the class eval comment I decided there may be two explanations:

1. As a teacher I think it is really important to reserve your opinions for the most part, and I think it is particularly important when talking about an issue that has so many diverse opinions. I tried to make all students in the class comfortable enough to share their viewpoints in a safe environment where they won't be judged. I think that when a professor goes on and on about their personal feelings it sends the message that their opinion is the only opinion that counts and that they are trying to force it on you. If someone asked me straight up I would tell them, but for the most part I kept my personal opinions to myself and tried to let the students engage each other in thoughtful dialogue and debate. Maybe this is what made the student think I was conservative on the topic. Although I still find it a bit perplexing since I also tried to push students to their limits of comfortability and was always bringing up hard to discuss and controversial topics. So if I were really conservative I don't think those would make it to class. Who knows?
2. The student must not have been in class the day I talked about my friend who started an amateur dominatrix business and the time she invited me to observe and participate in a session with a client. The students were absolutely fascinated. How anyone could have sat through that class and come out thinking I am conservative is beyond me. Morale of the story: don't skip class and pay attention!

So we all know I am NOT conservative. But apparently as I grow into adulthood this is the image a project to those who don't know me well. I'm not totally bummed by it. I guess for a professional it is better to be not be a total wackadoodle. But, since I am in sex-related field I also don't want to be seen as a conservative. Especially since I'm not conservative in the least bit. So I guess Part 3 of my transformation is to work on a balance between sex-crazed lunatic and conservative prim & proper. I'm thinking "Sexy Librarian/Researcher" is the way to go. Smart, yet wild. Must work on that.