365: Deadly Little Buggers

This is a little seed pod thingie that falls off some trees around campus. Looks kind of like a puffer fish and I'm here to let you know, just as deadly. It was chilly (by CA standards mind you) and rainy today so as I quickly walked across campus I was more concerned about staying warm and dry than about little time bombs waiting to happen. Well the heel of my shoe stepped down on one of these miniature boobytraps and I nearly flew off the sidewalk. Thankfully my gracefulness was working today and I didn't fall down. After a quick adjustment and a furious look around to see if anyone noticed (nope!) I continued on my way. Whew. Disaster avoided.

365: Awful

This is how I feel tonight as expressed through crappy food I'm eating for dinner (tortilla roll-up). 

Why so x's over my eyes you ask? Well like a dick, when I was leaving class I decided I NEEDED to check my email. And also like a dick, I missed the third stair from the bottom of the staircase and tumbled down the stairs nearly breaking both of my legs...possibly breaking one of my legs. Of course broken pride hurts more than broken legs so I catapulted myself into an upright position to make it look like EVERYTHING WAS FINE. Luckily, there was no one around to see my tragic fall and I was able to hobble over to a bench to gulp back my tears of agony until I had enough energy to hobble back to my office. My leg has throbbed continuously since then. 

If I wake up tomorrow and can't walk I won't be surprised.

Call me Grace

It's no secret that I *may* be the clumsiest person on the planet. Srsly. I fall down more than anyone I know. 

Well, except maybe my mother. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Pun TOTALLY intended. 

Today I got home and, as usual, was going to let the maniac dogs out so they could pee and frolic and generally act like idiots. Being that it was the day time and I didn't actually need to turn on the hall light to see I mozied down the hallway towards the back door. 

The next thing I knew I was tragically falling down into a heap on the floor. 

What caused me to twist my right ankle so hard it took my breath away, nearly fold my left foot in half, bump and scrape my left knee on ceramic tile and smash my right shoulder into the wall?

The answer lay in the pee that I now laid in. 

Fucking asshole dogs. Thanks for peeing in the hallway. I was gone all of 20 minutes. 

And to add insult to (serious) injury, they were still jumping all over my head trying to get to the back door. As if I was letting them out now. I took my clothes off right there in the hallway and got in the shower. 

My loving partner cleaned up the mess and let them out when she got home 10 minutes later. Love her.

Hate those jerks sometimes.

Sometimes I fall down...

Grace is not my middle name.

I fall down. A lot.

I'm way clumsy. I fall down more than the average person. I'd say I fall down at least twice a month. Sometimes more. Last winter I fell down three times on the way to class. My office is less than 100 yards away from the classroom. The two people I was with were simultaneously hysterical and wondering how I'd made it this far in life. I have no idea.

One time I thought I'd try belly dancing for fitness. I was demonstrating my new moves and someone slipped on the carpet and totally wiped out. Now whenever my family hears the words "belly dancing" they can only think about me laying in a heap on the floor. Lovely.

My sisters are Harry Potter fanatics. My baby sister is also a giant nerd. My mom made her a Harry Potter cape one year for Christmas. It was a to-the-floor black velvet cape. Srsly nerdy. It buttoned at the neck and had a hood. One day I decided to act like a total weirdo and put on her cape and was running screaming through our rooms and pretending to be Harry Potter. My middle sister, who's room was ALWAYS a disgusting mess, had left a tear out poster of Josh Hartnett (probably from Bop Magazine or Tiger Beat or something lame) on the floor and as I stepped on it my leg shot out across the floor and I collapsed on the floor in a heap. Josh Hartnett was ripped in the process. I was mad that I gave myself a carpet burn and twisted leg; Leslie was mad about Josh Harnett. 

This has just been a brief overview of memorable fallings down. There are hundreds and hundreds more I could share but frankly I'm having sympathy pains in my body right now so I think I'm going to go lay down.

And then Phil caused a scene...

So if you've spent any time around me at all, you know how I feel about people falling down. H I L A R I O U S. I know, I'm a mean cruel person but I can't help it! When people fall down it is sooo funny to me. I always, always check and see if they are ok first, but after I know you are, oh boy, I cannot help but laugh myself silly. I have a catalog of funny falls in my brain. I will remember someone falling for a long time, but if it is an over-the-top hilarious fall, it is burned into my cortex forever.

Now I am an equal opportunity laugher. If I fall down not only do I expect people to laugh at me, but if I fall down when no one is around I try and share the story with people so they know I'm not just a completely evil bitch. And believe me, I fall down a lot. So really, there is a good chance of someone I've laughed at to have a chance at revenge.

So last week my two best buds at school, Josh & Phil, and I decided to go out to lunch together. We settled on Pita Pit because the two gay boys could get their salads and stay slim and I could eat a falafel pita and continue to be a hefty lez. Pretty much anywhere we go we cause a scene although it's usually through overt actions rather than accident. Well on this day it was accidental.

Josh and I had sat down at the table to wait for our food to be ready when Josh got a phone call. He was chatting away on his iphone when Phil came to sit down. Phil was sitting there for a good minute when all of a sudden his chair was torpedoed backwards and he fell in a heap on the floor. I'm like "ohmygod are you ok?" while Josh gives him a dirty look and plugs his ear with his finger and continues with his phone call. To make matters worse, we were the only people sitting down, but there were about 6 people waiting in line right behind us. Everybody is staring at the commotion and the people at the counter are all "SIR ARE YOU OK???" and Phil's like "uh yeah (please stop staring at me)." Of course then I start to LOSE IT. I am about to giggle myself to death. So I say (through giggles) "What in thee helllllll just happened?" Phil said he was leaning forward just a little bit in his chair and it just shot out from underneath him. The floors did look freshly waxed so we think it was just the right amount of leaning combined with the slick floor that did him in. FINALLY Josh gets off the phone and looks at Phil and is like "Why are you being such a HOT MESS when I am on the phone???" And of course that just makes me laugh more and more.

So poor Phil. I've pretty much told (and even re-enacted) the entire scene to everyone at the Center. I've been trying to forget about it, or at least push it far back into my cortex, but I still keep giggling about it every other day. It really was quite hilarious. And I've fallen twice in the past month and I made sure to tell Phil about those so he could have something to hold on to. But since he wasn't there either time it's not quite the same. Oh well!